Smile Forever...

She died today. I don't know when. I looked at her for the last time. Yes, she was at peace.It was the same look she had when she used to have that black currant ice cream she loved.

My mind wandered. Memories came flooding back. Tears trickled down,unstoppable. Everyday now would seem a bit more lonesome than ever before. She would be with me,definitely. But the touch would be cold always. A thin veil separating us. Who would come to rescue me from the clutches of my parents? Whom would I now turn to for company when I feel like having that dark chocolate ice cream? Who would I now ask for a drink and dance anytime?Who would I now talk to about how my day was at the end of it over the phone?


I had found a reason for myself. A reason I believed and trusted in with all my heart and soul. Its a funny thing,this heart. It finds a reason to cry in happiness and to smile in sadness always,somehow. I can never share a laugh with her,or hear her sing,as she used to when she flitted about here and there. We went through a lot.Good times and bad ones,hurt and smiles. I am ever so sorry for the hurt I caused her. But today,all is forgiven yet never to be forgotten. Every little strand and bit To be kept closer than ever to my heart. For you I was and will always be....

BraZen.

Lost in the twirling strands,

A struggle of an eternity to keep myself away from you.

A delirious urge to touch you once again.

Hallucinates.

Circles of neon lights,an unsatisfied desire.

In the blackest of rooms.

The door creaks open,

You rush in and everything falls apart.

Blinding hazy,

A blazing heat.

Fuck the world for all its worth.

Inane.Brazen.

Almost dangerous.

Desires and instincts uncontrolled.

Never felt the winter have we?

But now I feel the cold.

Are we there yet???

This post is one waiting to be written for over a decade. Seriously.
Why is it that girls love shopping so much? They go in to this shop with absolutely no objective of buying anything and just move around the whole store staring looking trying on clothes and then they get out. And even if there is the objective, how is it possible that so so many designers ABSOLUTELY fail(and so horribly)to impress a single person with all of their clothing? I mean,"Isnt even one worth it?" The answer,disappointingly,is a No.

I have been doing this forever. Having two sisters of my own(I will not even start on my cousins who r all females and so many in number that a train could be formed!!)I have gone through hell and still am. Its horrible. Come to think of it, I think I have spent over 25% of my life just waiting(n that waiting doesn't include waiting for people to turn up,which would take up another 5% surely!!) When I was a kid,I didn't have much to do. I would simply get bored,I would swish across the store floors on my shoes,stare at people,at least do something. But after the advancement of the years,if I started to run n slide across the Pantaloons store,I would get kicked out or be stared at like a madman. Yet I have to gothrough this ordeal for over half the year every year. Sucks. I'll die from this one day.AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!

Does it matter?

All awake by that gentle wish of yours?
Did they actually hear it coming through?
I think not.
Your eyes they tell us you couldn't,
Blemishes amongst us you think,
Is it not?
Will you ever know what really happened?
Will you ever stop to watch and think?
One almost careless wish to see them well,
You do nothing but just the wish.

The night is not over until you go to sleep,all work done.
Till its done,you are unsatisfied.
Restless with eyes shut wide open,
You know the answer is you.


Presumptuous?? I guess not.

Gone...??Or Not??

I left my childhood somewhere.Didn't I? If I had not, I would not be who I am today. And I don't know if that makes me sad or happy. I go there sometimes. Looking at those people there,the places, they somehow in some weird way tug at my heart strings,in a way nothing else can. Its different. I miss them i realize. Ever since I was born,this is what I was surrounded by. Every day, every hour,minute,involved them. They form a different story. A special one,close to my heart. I guess that's attachment.I realize that sometimes I miss all of it,especially when I am back in Bagbazar. The narrow lane leading to my former house,the people there,the hundreds of kittens and puppies growing up I have seen in that lane,the walks by the Hooghly river during sunset,the chanting of hymns by the river through that microphone,the sight of the boys jumping off the boats and the pier into the water,climbing back again only to dive back again, having peanuts sitting there on the sloping ramp by the river,watching the evening train go whistling past, the art school where every Bagbazar kid issent to I guess,'Barnali',and I don't know if it exists anymore even,the shopkeepers who knew me since i went out with my parents to buy something.

Fact is,thats where home is. Those memories,people and that place has a different charm altogether for me. Its different. Thats where I grew up,learnt the ways of the world, learnt how to play cricket in the street,cycling,video games, watched tv for the first time,tied that shoelace in that bunny rabbit ears knot for the first time. It is the place I came back to everyday after school for 12 years of my life. For me....that's a second home. Obviously with passing time,Dhakuria is now my favourite of the two places.My life my friends and everything is here now. But what I wanna put across is that memories are priceless. And worth keeping forever..

Suspended in Jupiter skies....

I sit on a table in the splattering rain chairs all around me full of people.Can
anyone see me?No one notices as I wait, wait for that eternal feeling of joy.I reach out to touch the swirling oceans,and in a sweeping glance see the whole of the blue skies.

Metamorphosed into the reality of life,I seek refuge in the priceless memories from afar.The urge to touch and feel them again, deliriously strong. The rain still patters as the stars sparkle out, shimmering yet again through the watery skies. I wait for the pattering to stop,wait for the throng to crowd the streets again.

But till then, I have her with me. Every memory comes back clear through the rippling puddles. I keep holding onto her. Is it because I want to or have to? The nothing that i know about it is as turbulent as the Jupiter skies. But yet I do. When the night turns darker still,she knocks on my door.When sadness sets in,she takes my hand in hers. When the joy comes,she is still by me. I take one look at her and I know of the happiness forever,that eternal feeling of joy. And then the wait to step down from the table and watch the crowd fill the streets with their daily lives isn't long anymore.....

Forever,MJ.

The stage is set. Dim lights blink. On and off.On and off. On and off. A BANG!! And the spotlight is on the center of the floor. A shadow comes forward. The mere sight of the silhouette of the man on the stage is enough to send the crowd into a tizzy. I wonder at the power of this man. The power that he has over millions of people across the world. Video footage of fans screaming their lungs out, collapsing, swooning over this man who pioneered break dance and moonwalked the world into a frenzy is an overwhelming sensation to watch. Your breath stops as the lights rev up,the moves he executes to the beats, as the music that reminds you of your younger years reaches a crescendo and then BOOM!! He is here. The God himself.


This video here is an example of what tireless efforts can result in. I am sure shivers will run down your spine when you watch this. That such a man could exist,that such an amount of power over humans is possible,its exhilarating,you hold you breath,awestruck at what he has achieved, awestruck at what he was and not in just one nation. All over the world,people have screamed their lungs out for him, and to see him in flesh and blood seems divine. Almost unreal,all of it...But MJ was and is what will never be again....

******Michael Forever,Rest In Peace******

weird...

There's something strange going on in my life.I am at my hostel in Durgapur through the weekend when other people have gone home. Dunno wats gone wrong with me....

Through the curtains..

I sat still. Michael Jackson was healing the world in the next room. The lyrics were meaningful. But that was the least of my concerns right then. I had been lying in the couch. But the tiny scraping sounds had made me sit up. Where were they coming from? I wished MJ would pause for a moment(stupid thought!!)Dusk had just fallen. There was a bright moon in the sky. Moonbeams slithered in through a lengthy chink between the curtains. Serene I thought...looking at the whitish disk up there. The craters about it were in the shape of a rabbit or so I had thought for years.Perspective.Period.
The scraping sound came again. MJ suddenly stopped. There it was again. I looked around.Nothing. Something suddenly pulled at my pants,like a kid would do if he wanted toffee. I looked down and propmptly jumped shrieking. What were they?? I didn't know. Can anyone help me??? :) Complete this.... :)

She Will Be Loved...

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Time....

Was in a no-writing phase again, ufff,this is forever.Mood swings and phases. Yes,I would sit down in front of the computer, the blog page, sign in, click on new post and then go blank.Then I would click the little red cross on the top right corner of the page and all desire to even try writing would be lost.Period.

I have been at home for a week now. Diwali's past, Bhaiphonta is done. No more festivities(read as bunking excuses) to look forward to. From now on,its simply work(shudders!!).There's a lott of syllabus to be covered this time,don't have a clue as to what I should do about it. Anyway,i ts a whole new world suddenly. There are so many feelings about so so many things, I don't know how to keep track of them so I can take control of everything...Lately I am feeling sloshed with so much to take care of. Why do we have so many responsibilities I wonder? Its not as if they have been bestowed upon me. Its the result of the life that I have led. And I don't know whether I should regret it cuz that would mean regretting the life I am living which I don't. Its all too complicated for words.

I have to meet so many people,go to so many places,visit other people and I have to study, I have to be there for my family, I have to spend a bit of time on the phone,I have to keep up with the rest of the world through the internet,I have to play y guitar,I have to laze around--SHEESH!! This stuff is endless. And 24 hours are too less for all of it. And oh, I have to sleep,thats a crucial part of my life.24 hours is too damn less....I wish I had more time. I don't wanna lose the stuff I gotta do. But do them all for which I need a lot more time. I still haven't watched Wake up Sid!! Abira ditched me- went ahead and watched it with her friend.IAnd everyone else has watched it. No one to go with. Its sad. Really wanna watch it. But somwhow I have a feeling that I'll end up watching it alone on the computer screen from a bad quality DVD or download. Its funny how things we want most tend to not turn out the way we want them to be. And the stuff we don't turn out the way we don't want them to be.

Blogging...

I have been blogging for around two years now. Initially when i started out,I didn't write much. I have phases and a lot of mood swings. I may sit down to write a post,click on new post and then write nothing at all. Or start to write out something that will go on and on,some random ramblings, and then decide it isn't appropriate for the blog at all.So I cancel the whole thing.

Till recent times,I had had a writer's block. But then suddenly I opened,I forced myself to write out Shashti and Shaptami events of this year's pujo. But the main inspiration for this phase of writing came from another friend's blog. I was reading her blog,discovering how similar we are-mood swings and phases, having a group of people really close to heart-they being the world to me, of how interesting food is. Of how Calcutta is my city,where I know nooks and crannys and how close it is to me. How the rain washed streets,Park Street, Dakshinapan,Don Bosco(my school),the "chhatim" flower's overpowering scent before the Pujos, the Pujos themselves, my friends and family who are there--how all of it are mine, not to be shared with anyone. These are memories that keep me going, the desire to go on, have a fulfilling life comes from these. I feel happy and contented but deep down there are worries for the future.But thats to come later,Serendipity, thats what will be.

I feel as if I am on this bus thats travelling miles,I wish it wouldn't stop. The cool breeze on my face would stop too,and I would have to stop eating the chocolates I brought up on the bus to eat as it travelled...

See,thats what it is. Did you notice?I gradually lost the thread of what i was actually saying,I wonder and think of so much.Whew!! Coming back...oh yeah, I have been blogging for 2 years now.But it isn't the same today. 2 years back it was time pass for me, a forum where I could let my emotions and feelings flow-And somehow I liked this forum better than pen and paper,when I type stuff flows. Yes I did have a diary once but this is what I have now....N I like it.Anyway...blogging is becoming commercial now. With Google Adsense,people are monetizing their blogs with advertisements. Its happening right in my college. Blogging is being promoted like anything.

As an internet tool. I think it destroys the whole concept of blogging. Blogging is where people are themselves,let themselves be on a regular basis,its about things they are interested in. But my complains will go nowhere. Everything is business. Starting from education to medicine. Then why let the blogs go too? Anything from where there is profit,where there is money. In the end its all about that.....

Silence...

I have absolutely no idea why i wrote this...I just wanted to write something as a song for the past two days,but couldn't at all...I wrote this suddenly and it's called Silence.

I'll hold ur breath in mine, 

as u sunshine down upon me.

Breaths deep and shallow,

eyes closed shut; in a wink it'll all be gone;

you by my side close to my heart.

The candle will flicker and then shut us out of its light.

Lights blur, dizzy darkness,

Lights blur,warm darkness.

The strands in your eyes is all I can see.

A still moment, my hands around you, you snug between the sheets.

And then,silence.

Stay...

Past are the days when u were here with me

Time passes slowly now
Wish you would turn back once to catch up….

Neon lights seem dim without you,
Washing up the shore are memories past,

Concentration wavers.....shadows fall,
Stay with me…


Till the break of dawn, stay,
Leave me a memory to hold onto
Miles we’ll cover together walking till we can no more
Miles along life’s way we’ll trudge
An unknown bond forged between our hearts
A happiness that knows no bounds till the clouds break apart…
Till its dawn…with me,stay..

Haphazard...

Pujo overall was a great one this time,I really did have a lot of fun. I feel happy now, but sad on the other hand cuz the end of Pujo signals the start of classes and studies again. College reopens on the 6th of October,n the first day itself we have 2 exams to write,bugging!! Anyway,apart from all of it and certain issues,I feel happy. I had dinner with Bappa da n Toy da etc at Flame n Grill,South City Mall, yesterday...Unlimited kebabs and ice cream. :) I love that place, its a different satisfaction altogether. Met oindrila today before she goes tomorrow :( At Mother Earth,South City Mall(again!!), we were going through stuff for her friend, the lady who runs the shop asked to help out-she needed to fetch something that was kept high atop on a shelf. It was a first of such an experience,I climbed the ladder and go the thing. Felt weird yet right. Anyway,she be goin tomorrow.
I have been trying to write a song for like ages,I simply can't. I mean,I don't know what is exactly wrong, but lyrics i simply cannot pen down,ever... I have composed two songs written by my friends but lyrics from me are like impossible. Anyway, people have been putting up pictures of pujo2009 all over facebook,its interesting. And Sreerupa put up this awesome Benglish poem.

Check it out:

Through the jongole I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Boshtaard Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But I not fear these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jumping with start
But noise is coming from damn fool's heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle tight with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - "Bannerjee be brave"
I am now proceeding with too much care
From far I smell this Tiger's lair
My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start pray
I think I will shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to flee
But Tiger giving bloody roar spotting Bengalee
He bounding from cave like footballer Pele
I run shouting "Kali Ma tumi kothay gele "
Through the jongole I am running
With Tiger on my tail closer looming
I am a telling that never in life
I will take risk again for my damn fool wife !!!!!


Heh!! And she's put up this pic of her and Agni i really liked,very much. Its as if telling a story,of everything between them,the hope to go on, yet the hopelessness without each other,a happiness not shared with others, you look at Srrr's hand-its as if she is clinging on to Agni,either that, or "gheti dhore narabe mone hochche agnir", and knowing her,its most probably the latter. But her n Agni's expression say a different story. Its a contented picture. I looked at the pic the first time and felt happy for them suddenly and smiled.

The song's playing, nothing else suddenly matters, I feel contented myself.There are so many people in my life,hello-hi people,close people, not so close people,I do not know who to keep up with,its difficult sometimes. And trying to catch up with a part of my life,if i miss out on some other part,People in that part get cross n pissed at me,what do I do? Its tiring sometimes. I sometimes feel I think too much,but circumstances force it,and I am left wondering what to do...??I need to talk to someone,really. Sometimes it becomes difficult to deal with,all of it...N I can't seem to get with it alone.It seems stoopid,But yeah,that is exactly what happens. I feel like having chocolates.... :(

Alarming Thoughts....

When i woke up today to the sound of my cellphone buzzing somehwere under the pillows and sheets, a memory came back suddenly,a funny one. During my school years, I could never wake up in time for school. 630 a.m. was like "aaaargh!!yawn!! yawnss!!!". I remember getting up early sometimes even to study for an exam, covered in sheets. Winter was painful I remember.

Anyway, the getting up part was painful. Now its a different issue,I get up when I wanna. Back then I used to go to sleep with six or seven alarms all around my head,in strategic positions so that if one did get muffled by the pillow,I would hear some other one. 2 or 3 small alarm clocks, my digital watch(those were a craze then,with the stopwatch and the background light), Dad's cellphone(the huge antenna'd black ones from back then) and of course dad's wake up call which seemed to be the perfect and best way to get up. And i remember once what i did-there was a phase when i would somehow shut off all the alarms in slumber and get back to sleep again,I don't know how. So I rigged up something. I have this red coloured stereo player and a microphone. I connected the player to the plugpoint and attached the microphone. Setting the volume a bit o the high, I placed the microphone near the Cellphone speaker and the player at my head. So Technically I used one alarm to get up then in the morning. But the thing did work,I got up successfully. Every morning for a few days,the stereo would scream out the alarms and lo n behold!!! I was up!!! (^_^)

Shaptami 2009

I just spent the whole day at home basically. I slept all morning ,watched TV and hogged at home-fried rice n chilli fish. At around 5pm I simply couldn't take sitting at home anymore!!! I got dressed and stepped outside into the throng...yes...Babubagan has been pulling crowds this time cuz of its Pujo Theme...'DurgaBhobon'...watever that is. Anyway,I didnt have anything to do or anyone to go anywhere with. I called Sreerupa, having lunch. So wat i did was go to Abhirup's place. From there we decided to go to Ballygunge Cultural Association, to watch Neel da n dad perform.

On the way, we saw a weird thing, A small para pujo had its dhaakis playing in front of the pandal, and all the dhaakis were wearing football jerseys,socks and shorts, very unlike the traditional dhoti kurta they normally wear,n they were jumping all over the place as they played. this was the first time I have ever seen anything like this.Anyway,Puntu kaka n Tanaya kakima joined me there. N oh,Got to meet school seniors n rony n rohit da there..Felt wonderfully nice... (^_^) Anyway the show started around 715pm, we watched till around 745 pm,then left for Maddox Square where dia n school ppl were waiting for us. On the way,Puntu Kaka stopped at this mishtir dokaan n said that he wanted to have this "chomchom" which was "famous" supposedly. Tanaya kakima made a face,"yeesh,biyer aage ekbar khaiyechilo, puro mone hoyechilo chaar chamoch chini khelam" !! :) At Maddox, I left them wid Dia and disappeared...

There was mud n 'bhepuus" n people screaming everywhere. Simi called,met her..she said, "i am feeling very sick,please come with me, I need to have food, CCd chol joldi"....that's what confirmed it...I said"ami jani keno tui jachchish baire"..She pressed on"keno bolto?" I said,"na an ulto palta bokchi...chol chol" and as we turned at the gate, there was the butterfly perched on the bamboo railings...*beams* I was surprised n happy n so many things suddenly at the same time...But i somehow knew it all along...that she would come. There had been too many hints all the way...But we did make our way to CCD,all of us...And in all of my excitement,i forgot the most crucial point-the puja menu at CCD, capitalist extortion that is...You will not get any normal stuff on Pujo days, they have all the overpriced stuff,which they overprice more with compulsory chocolate sauce and ice cream...We footed the bill at 360 bucks for 2 mere cups of coffee n a plate of cheese balls.Shit!!! Absolute pile loads of it!!! anyway...then it was dinnertime...I Bappa Ashin and simi went off to Azad Hind Dhaba for dinner....returning around 1230 in the night...

Shashti 2009

Just as we were about to get out, came down the fat drops of rain. Oindrila called," bari jabooo.... please ami ekhane aar thakte parchi na... n i hav a boil on my eyelid... :( :( ". Am Sad. Then came down the water,its been a long tym since i saw something like this...South Calcutta got thoroughly washed today..THOROUGHLY. We did manage to start out with rain pouring down, gushing all around the car, got to Saltlake, picked up Ru n didibhai n went on to see the pujos at DumDum Park,Sreebhumi park,Laketown, Telengabagan and ultimately and as usual, Bagbazar. Its our hotspot. But we'd arrived early,the rides hadn't started even. We got this bubble blower there,me and Dia-all the way back, bubbles surrounded us like flies around a fire.So we made our way back to Deshapriyo Park for the rides. What a sight!!! You could have a mudbath there easily,hassle free, free of cost. But it was worth it. We sloshed through, to the Pirate Ship and screamed our lungs off every time the wind rushed past and the ship went down as we sat on its end. Crystal Chopstix served as our dinner haunt. and thats it....Shashti well spent, in the company of loved ones...laughing at silly jokes, cracking jokes that would make someone outside our world put hands on their ears, fighting, screaming, doing what our hearts wanted.

This is the way Pujo should be-we hardly saw any pujos in the 7 hrs we spent in the car, but every moment together was n is worth visiting all of the pujos. Dia's shoes got remarked at by some random girl on the street as "yeesh,ki baaje dekhte meyetar juto ta", Ru started laughing so loudly on the streets, that a girl in front stopped actually to turn around to stare and then tell her companion" baba,meyeta kemni kore heshe uthlo hotath". And oh shit, we didnt have cotton candy today!!! Its been a tradition,every year, No one remembered this year...i did have a feeling we were forgetting something at Bagbazar!!! Something has to be done about it, Cant believe everyone just forgot....!!! tomorrow,rather,today's saptami...have no fixed plans yet, lets see where Pujo takes me today....

Pujo 2009 etc etc...

Pujo 2009 starts today, Maha Shashti today. Pujo is so early today. Its good in a way. The time is great, with a hint of rain pattering throughout the day. It always rains during Pujo, always, don't know why. But I feel old this time. There isn't that interest to go pandal hopping that i used to go in my younger years. It all feels the same. Except that u gotta go see the Pandals, Made of different materials. But what difference does it make? In the end, its the same idol of Durga and her children. Its been a long time since i have been to the 'thakurghor' in my house. People need a belief to hang on to. A hope that will keep them going, an energy to carry on with life's valleys. Yes some people do find that solace in their gods. I don't have one. Before an exam students pray. Even i have,but to exactly who am i referring to here? I have no answer to that. Its just that I have always found that I am happy when I am with my friends and family. I have found out that that's what keeps me going. N i have found that life turns out to be good always somehow. Yes,it happens with me too-good times pass fast while the bad ones last. But I somehow now cling to the hope that betterment is on its way... that's my hope that's my belief,not the idols. But every person has their own forms of belief, I respect that. Pujo,now i believe,is to be enjoyed and experienced in phases. This phase is simply to delve into the spirit of it, enjoy the warm-heartedness,love and addas. Gone is the time when pandal hopping was a thrill, going far off to see prize-winning pujos a different fervor altogether. That phase will come back again I know.But that's a different time in the future-When it is up to you to see the kids enjoy the pujos. The energy will be new then,refreshed. I wish this phase would stay. Sure,it would mean the staying back of all the worries and responsibilities of our growing age but its worth it. It does seem childish,these whims of mine.But i really wish so. I am happy with the way things are in my life. Apart from the constant worries of my future career where i wanna do so many things,there's a bliss. I have my friends, my family always.That's a lot for me. Life's short,too damn short,there's so much i wanna do. But i gotta wait till the right time. Sometimes i feel like plunging ahead....y don't i just get into the thing i wanna do? But something holds me back,a little voice in the back of my head tells me," stop idiot, you've got a lot to right now. there are a lot of things on your mind which u have to do first,i am your mind, i know, i feel the burden". And i stop in my tracks, my thought wavers on it for a while and then i force it to disappear. I have no specific plans this pujo, today,I am going out with my cousins, Saptami no plans as such yet, Oshtomi will be at pia didiz n then whole night with school frends, n Nobomi Doshomi again no plans as such.Oindrila's not gonna be here this pujo,will miss her this time. we do have fun together.Anyway, much about it all, have to sleep,really. Gotta wake up tomorrow to a day full of fun and laughter. :)

My car won't budge...Even though its as classy as that one...

When you sit back to try n enjoy life, it gets kind of difficult you'll notice. You're laid back, chilled, thinking of things that have just rushed past you, of people you need to catch up with etc. But the moment you try and do something like that, you are bound to get caught in a mind snarl. Your car won't budge from its place. And you enter a state of numbness, idleness that you can't even defend with enough reasons if someone points it out to you. And its difficult coming out of it. There has to be a proper distraction to get you out of it. A major one. Period.

Sloshed!!

Life's slow all of a sudden...i actually am kinda stagnant lately,i don't even know what this post will be about.Its kinda sad when u dont know wat ur doing,u feel lonely,stupid n sleepy..... Yet you wanna stay awake in the moment somehow,Its basically this dilemma u face n u just dnt know how to get out of it.Maybe its a phase n will pass over,but it makes one reflective of oneself, makes one think about what his life is about actually. N i ask myself, what am i doing?is this wat i really want? am i doing wat i really want? should i do wat i really want or do something that my parents want? Cuz after all these years wen they've done so much for u,it does seem a bit selfish wen u say i wanna do things my way wen they want u to do something else. So u think n think n think,n u decide that there has to be a compromising stage,but u still don't know how to get there.Its damn irritating,u just don't know wat to do. But once u find that objective,u know wat to do i guess, i dunno,i haven't yet been there.....

The Butterfly Effect...!!

This is about one special gurl who came into my life half a decade ago.Oh my god,i never realized it,this makes it sound like we r soooo old...i guess we r....anyway,she is the lady with the wings.During our years of togetherness,I have realized how much she means to me.But as Fate would have it,She separated us,and now we meet only when we both are in Calcutta.and during this time we make every moment worthwhile.
When i first met her in class 10,she n me were both this introverted shy personalities who changed in class 11 suddenly.She tells me,i remember u were the first guy to ever call up at my place.N she was the first gurl to do so at mine.So in a way,because of the many firsts that we shared together,we remain special for each other.Her meaning in my life is of an extent that i never realized till the tyme we parted ways for our respective future lives.N i had never thot anybody from the outside world could play such an important role as she does.Now that we r moving so fast in our lives,sometimes i like to fall back n let go....n feel like i was sumwhr quiet away from the hustle wid someone,n the someone that comes to my mind first is her.
This girl is everything,she's beautiful,talented,hard working,honest,yet fun at the same tym, loves to talk....n i really admire her for more ways than one.N thats something else,i hav learnt a lot from her,shes been there for me always,we've done so much together,n i hope this will last forever....Thanx !!!

Time bares witness to wat we have had,
Stars n shadows flitter in n out of our lives
neon lights seem dim without u
But i dare not hope for too much....
Lest the neon lights go out...

my city,my Calcutta

Somedays back i was going to Howrah station to drop my mamidida.She stays in Saltlake.I and my dad picked her up from there,n as we made our ways through the streets of Calcutta,yes Calcutta, not Kolkata, i realized there was so so so much about the city that i had never known. I am from North Calcutta originally,n i know that I know pretty much more about Calcutta than most of my friends.And because of my extensive trips around Calcutta,i navigate around Calcutta pretty well.But that day,I suddenly found myself in a part of Calcutta i had never known.If you go straight from College Street More towards C.R.Avenue n cross it n go straight towards Howrah,thats where I am sure you will find a new Calcutta if you're not familiar with it. There are thousands of shops there,thousands,and the main road branches off into lanes n bylanes forming a maze in the whole area,which are again filled with shops.Then there are the shops inside the buildings.One collapsible gate leads to an arching lane filled with more shops yet again,lanes so narrow with shops on either side that one person can barely walk,yet this is where inhabited so many people,everywhere u look,there are hundreds of people n people.Amidst all this chaos,kids played n people played 'taash' on the roadside,it was a picture so different from wat we see everyday.This was the real Calcutta,from here businesses were conducted,dealings confirmed,goods delivered,my dad remarked that everyday at least a thousand crores of business was done from this area itself,n it didnt look impossible at all....then he pointed out a lane inside one house,saying that there was the medicine shop where he had got pills for my grandmother during her last days wen she had cancer.She hadn't known she did.I felt sad again,because all of it reminded me of my childhood days.I used to sleep with my grandmother,she would tell me stories till i fell asleep.I dont remember much,beacause i was little when she passed away,but my 'thammi' will always be there for me. I shifted from the topic,there was this Calcutta that i hadnt ever known of,the Calcutta from the times of the British themselves all of it was chaos,horns blaring,people shouting,sweating, children playing,but amidst all of it I was suddenly transported to my childhood days,when my dad pointed out the medicine shop.Look around u,i told myself, where do all of these people go in the night,these many,porters,labourers,bus 'pilots'(as they are referred to),lorry drivers,cabbies,the 'taash' playing men,the children....where do they go? As night falls,every street becomes deserted after the sweltering buzz of the day.....n then just when we arrived at the intersection leading to Howrah station from there,i saw a temple.N i wondered in awe at the energy n life within the people around me,The bells clanged n a 'purohit' offered prayers to the deity inside the temple,n around this little roadside temple crowded peolpe,causing yet more chaos,bringing traffic to a stop.The place was abuzz even as people reeled from the severe heat n humidity.... Calcutta is still here,watever of it might have changed to Kolkata.Old buildings of the British age may have been replaced by new high rises n swanky malls,plazas,the skyline of Calcutta may hav changed forever,but that doesnt make a difference,because once ur inside this city,u'll know its different,u'll c that the people that still live here find joys n happiness from the littlest matters,u'll find that no matter wat the situation is,people r ready to smile n work,people care for their near n dear ones,n that is wat counts at the end of the long run i think.No matter how much money they make,people here will be the same,chaotic yet calm in a way only we will know,religious yet not,because even as the cabbie is shouting for people to get out of the way from the roadside temple,he'll take a quick 'nomoshkaar' in front of the temple as he passes, the children will still play with atever they get to lay their hands on,n men will forever lay a tarpaulin or a mat to sit down hav a 'beedi' play 'taash'.Calcutta is conflict n calmness,sad yet happy, unlawful yet law abiding,unloving but at the end of the day,caring.......

Last Week....

I haven't yet decided what title I will give to this post..i guess it depends on wat i end up writing about.My grammar is starting to suck by the day,am typing sms lingo here too....shit!!!
Anyway,am here in the City of joy for over a week now....been having a lot,no,correction,a hell lot of fun lately.There is so much i do wanna write about,but i can't....sometimes i really feel so lazy.And at tyms i wanna write but do not have the computer in front of me to do so...anyways... last week was quite fun,i do not have any complains from life right now....Fate is smiling upon me,as Abira says.This week was fun,summer vacations are being good to me....I met school people,Shuvam,Aniruddha,Anindya,Deepan etc etc...watched Madly Bangali n didnt like it that much,met Anirban on his birthday,visited South City a lott of times,tried and tried in vain to organize a reunion but failed to get a place to meet,went with Monodeep to get his guitar,an acoustic Pluto,awesome guitar...ummm....then made a chart on the history of kites with Sreerupa for Milaap 2009,went to the first class of C++ at CMC academy,to Simiz place,then Howrah Station to drop my mamidida...really hectic....n it was....at this moment i am craving for a bit of rest....stay at home,read make music etc....

Of Nature and Winds....

Am back home after a long while,been having my exams,24 days at the hostel in Durgapur,the thought was unbearable at first,and on top of that my best friends were here for the summer....
26th of May,the day started pretty normally except for the clouds in the sky.And then started the rain,which just went on and on.The whole evening we remained drowned in darkness,save the faint shimmerings from our cellphones.The weather remained sultry all day. We'd already started our exams,the practicals. On that day itself i had had my Analog Electronics practicals,got drenched while coming back from the college.Next Day it was Debmallya da's Lab,Instrumentation.Mum called up and said the weather had worsened over time,trees had fallen all over the city,streets flooded,and people were saying this was the worst storm Calcutta had ever seen.In Durgapur,it seemed okay,no trees were falling as far as i could see,but the rain was incessant,Andy went out in that rain and wind to get a pack of cigarettes,n came back drenched yet victorious..... :)
The Night started to pass amidst faint cellphone lights and candles,the current came back once or twice but never stayed.When i went to sleep that night,it was the first time i experienced something new.something that i had only heard of or read before-the whistling and howling of the wind.I have seen it on television,in cartoons,when there is a strong wind blowing,it was exactly that same kind of noise.....the rain had lessened by then. And when i woke up next morning,the skies had cleared. Then came the newspaper reports.....it had been a cyclone,named Aila(God knows why!!).Sunderbans had been washed away almost,submerged under saline water. We had felt almost nothing,the embankments there had been washed away,people had died.And even after one week,the newspapers were reporting of the lackadaisical approach by the Government of ours....there was little relief provided to those people who had lost so much.
Thus was my first experience of a cylcone.Aila.Yet from my mum n dad I had heard of a different kind.But i have to keep in mind the geographical differences.Mum and dad used to live in HongKong in the eighties,in a building on the 23rd floor.I remember one of them telling me of a cyclone experience where they had had to stay indoors for 2 or 3 days,with howling winds,vibrating furniture all around.I am glad my first experience wasn't the same. But I will pray for all those affected by Aila,and encourage everyone reading this to do so. :)

Teenage...that was...

A Brand New World....

Its April 11th 2009 today...and oh,long tym since my last post...life is running at full pace,time is still flying like anything and changes are taking place at a really fast pace....At the moment am in Kolkata,for the Easter holidays for 6 days....the month has finally arrived,18th of april i turn twenty,another decade will start...WHEW!!

Contemplation has started already,what i am going to do after this,about how i have shaped up my life for the future till now,about the times i have had,fun and no-fun both, but everything at this moment seems blurred,somehow obscured,a new life will start,every child's dream time,the teens,will be a thing of the past,i can no more say i am a teenager,but to hell with it for now,this will be my subject after 18th.....for now....

I am enjoying life,i always seem to,don't i?or i guess it is at these times only that i write here....i am listening to a song called 'come away with me' by Norah Jones...its a soul touching,awesome rendition...there are a very few songs that make u think and wonder,it differs from person to person,but this is one of those songs,really...anyways....

A lot is on in my life right now,a lot....we just had our college freshers, on Sunday the 5th of April.I enjoyed working as a part of it,organising and anchoring part of the show,it was really a grand success....and in the course of this event that manifested itself on the college,i met some really awesome people,made friends with persons i never knew before and it wasn't bad, they're a really talented bunch of people,all of them,each having their own strenghts in different fields....college i think has become a more bearable place now...

First mention would be of Anirban-the mastermind behind the whole cultural part of the event,give him things like these to do apart from studies,he's a genius...a bit wierd,he has innovative and bizarre ideas in his mind,a computer freak,he loves to blog and keep himself updated,his only problem being the recent cessation of cash from his parents which will hopefully be a small hurdle in his path....

Next,would come Anindyo and Ritabrata,now these two people i know from earlier,cuz we live in the same hostel,and i know rit well enough,him being my classmate...but Anindyo was who i came to know as a person for the first time,he's been dubbed Robinson Crusoe by me,cuz of the slight bushy beard he keeps with the curly hair of his....but this guy is very efficient,a good listener and an entertainer through and through...he's nice as a person and straightforward....me likes him...

Then comes Aninya...my co-anchor for the show..her name is wierd,at the beginning,i could never remember her name,don't know why..simple as it seems,she's smart and imaginative...with a temper that gets the better of her sometimes,stays hereabouts my house,in Dhakuria...anyways,she's sweet in her own ways,but very down to earth,knows what to do when to do something....that is something i would like to take from her if i ever got the chance...

Then comes Monodeep and Suman,Monodeep needs no introduction whatsoever,'One of the BIGGEST personalities of BCET' was what we described him onstage that day,and he is literally....the english-loving movie buff bulldozes his way through the crowd,and its difficult not to notice him,one of the best anchors i have seen with a superb diction,he's sometimes irritating but a good person really apart from the snide comments he keeps passing at Nupur all day with a few returns from her....and we have Suman Iyenger,or as she put it for explanations,Suman I.Y.Anger....but she is far from the angry type,as Anirban has rightly said,this girl from Purulia has charisma,and a permanent smile on her face.But looks are deceiving,ain't they?? She's damn serious about her studies,itches to study literally,and hides a devil beneath her looks, ready to go to the edge anytime...apart from that,i am guessing there's a lot more to discover....

About Nupur and Supratik....well,Supratik,THE tabla player,is a fantastic person,serious and intimidating,wid the 'jamai babu' looks,yet fun loving and childish....i love his dressing sense(the indian part) and really wish him all the luck for 'the battlefield'....and umm....Nupur,she is the only person among all these people that i have interacted the least with i admit....and so,there isn't much that i know bout her....except she's a serious person,really irritated by monodeep and ummm....i guess thats it....

Whew!!! thats a lot....we just started out,there's more to come about these people i am guessing...and i wouldn't want to miss it for the world....