11/10/10
...... :|
There's this weird little odd feeling inside me. Sometimes I may be able to put my finger on what it is. But most of the times, I have no idea what it is. But it's always there, something poking here and there. I worry too much. I think too much. And I just cannot stop doing so however badly I want to. It might be that after all these years, it's just the feeling of something poking me when actually there's nothing. It is very weird. And distracting. Not to mention irritating. I just don't know what to do about it.
11/7/10
Wild.Untamed.
Limelight. Streaks of hair.
Wild. Untamed.
Stage. Microphone.
Grunge. Scream.
Darkness. One shot.
Heat. Halogens.
Heavy.Metal.
Wild. Untamed.
War song. Blue eyes.
Soldiers. Bloodshot.
Wild.Untamed.
Death. Mosh.
Wild.Untamed.
Frenzy. Crowd.
'Them'. Leap of Faith.
Distortion. Pulsethrob.
Wild. Untamed.
Stage. Microphone.
Grunge. Scream.
Darkness. One shot.
Heat. Halogens.
Heavy.Metal.
Wild. Untamed.
War song. Blue eyes.
Soldiers. Bloodshot.
Wild.Untamed.
Death. Mosh.
Wild.Untamed.
Frenzy. Crowd.
'Them'. Leap of Faith.
Distortion. Pulsethrob.
10/23/10
The Lion's "Tail" (tale)
I hung a lion by its tail today.
As I did it, he roared and almost pawed the air away.
The lion was a twit as I had thought.
Easier than the plan he got caught.
It took him a while to realize that he had been tricked.
But by that time I had had him by the whip.
To let it go would be such a waste.
I could get a life if it stayed that way.
This was an option that hadn't clicked before.
In an instant opened my career's door.
I would show him off to the world.
Go everywhere with it till I was bald.
Who would have seen a lion like this?
Tied by the tail, its hard to miss.
All that crap school, colleges had taught.
Till now seemed to have got me naught.
Piggyback the lion, I would go far and wide
Known as the man with the iron hide.
My parents would be proud,as would my friends
New careers would open up again.
Now I start,with a smile and a twitter.
The lion,my gold, is all that glitters.
As I did it, he roared and almost pawed the air away.
The lion was a twit as I had thought.
Easier than the plan he got caught.
It took him a while to realize that he had been tricked.
But by that time I had had him by the whip.
To let it go would be such a waste.
I could get a life if it stayed that way.
This was an option that hadn't clicked before.
In an instant opened my career's door.
I would show him off to the world.
Go everywhere with it till I was bald.
Who would have seen a lion like this?
Tied by the tail, its hard to miss.
All that crap school, colleges had taught.
Till now seemed to have got me naught.
Piggyback the lion, I would go far and wide
Known as the man with the iron hide.
My parents would be proud,as would my friends
New careers would open up again.
Now I start,with a smile and a twitter.
The lion,my gold, is all that glitters.
10/15/10
Sometimes.
Sometimes you wish you weren't there. The act is awkward, embarrassing or sad. And you just don't wanna be a part of it. But you have to.
There are times when you don't wanna sleep, but just lie awake and think of everything. But you can't. Days are tiring, and there is too much to do. To top it all, no one makes it any easier. You start looking for your solace, your world where you can escape. You realize that much of what yours peers have said are lies and false. No one can be taught to face the world. Everyone learns on his/her own. Be it that boy who has had to work his way all his life for his daily bread or that kid in bright clothes from a posh house. Life unveils slowly and steadily at times but then again, speeds up so much so that you don't have time to grasp onto what whizzed past. They say the most complex thing on the planet is the DNA helix and its mapping and uncoding it will take years. Life's helluva more complicated than that. It's all these sticks piled on each other where the sticks say stuff life 'relationships', 'friendship', 'career', 'family' etc etc. And all these sticks have innumerable branches and more sticks coming out of them, each for every person in life. And sometimes they overlap and sometimes it is so that there isn't anymore space to overlap even. New sticks arise, piled, blueprinted, arranged in the most complex geometrical figure possible. If only it weren't so.
There are times when you don't wanna sleep, but just lie awake and think of everything. But you can't. Days are tiring, and there is too much to do. To top it all, no one makes it any easier. You start looking for your solace, your world where you can escape. You realize that much of what yours peers have said are lies and false. No one can be taught to face the world. Everyone learns on his/her own. Be it that boy who has had to work his way all his life for his daily bread or that kid in bright clothes from a posh house. Life unveils slowly and steadily at times but then again, speeds up so much so that you don't have time to grasp onto what whizzed past. They say the most complex thing on the planet is the DNA helix and its mapping and uncoding it will take years. Life's helluva more complicated than that. It's all these sticks piled on each other where the sticks say stuff life 'relationships', 'friendship', 'career', 'family' etc etc. And all these sticks have innumerable branches and more sticks coming out of them, each for every person in life. And sometimes they overlap and sometimes it is so that there isn't anymore space to overlap even. New sticks arise, piled, blueprinted, arranged in the most complex geometrical figure possible. If only it weren't so.
10/10/10
You.
You do seem to linger around. And I can never face you. A veil separates us. Always has. At one point it did seem to vanish. But then again, at that point you weren't there. But when you came back again, nothing ever seemed to have changed. The veil fluttered like before and words still fumbled and spluttered before escaping as nonsense to the realm of the world. Thin and fragility personify you all the more with each passing day. And I yearn for you to feel my touch.
9/26/10
Start for the start.
I will start from the end and roll back to where it started. Truth is, I don't know where it started. Along the way I will look for clues to lead back to the past. The past needs to be changed. After I complete the rollback, I shall tuck in a thing or two, set a few things right, and start for the end again. By that time, the world will have moved on. But I will be in my time frame. Nothing will be impossible. I just have to stick to that path and not divert from it. There will be hurdles along the way but abseiling down a tough proper rope will be the best option.
But its just that I still have to start rolling back to the start.
But its just that I still have to start rolling back to the start.
9/8/10
Black Star.
Not all is yours for taking,wish you would leave a souvenir.
The stars trudge across the emptiness towards your side of the world.
The distance is tedious.
You streak ahead of the stars to make sure that they follow you.
The rainclouds gather in masses to give me company.
A hint of a song and failed emotions linger.
Masked faces in shadows of brown rise towards nothingness.
Forever you have existed.
And since forever I have tried to take your hand.
But with time, everything became murkier all the more
I could hardly make out where your hand was among all the mess.
The very hands of those masked faces have fought amongst themselves to grab my progress.
Some did and that increased the distance more
I have realized that I could sometimes make out the faces behind the brown shadows,
And these faces often than not I know only too well.
A crescendo of all the instruments reach a staggering limit in my ears
And I shout in vain.
Even she doesn't stop nor does anyone else
All lost in their own turmoil.
The longing will hover always, as will wishes and regrets galore.
The souvenir will suffice, to make something of me.
Else the black star will swoop down to distort every note and turn it upon itself.
Take it all, I want none of the pieces.
I make my way in spite of the hands that try to grab me as I pass.
Black star,was it, that would disfigure it all?
There exists no such star in my plans.
I streak ahead, I don't need your hand.
And the stars themselves stand and gape.
The rainclouds still try to accompany me
Failing which, they cover up the stars ahead of whom I am gone.
I shout again, but not in vain.
I am me, minus the pain.
I am light, I am speed.
Today I am everything that I need.
9/6/10
Khub kharap lekha....
For times unknown to you when you have stood by me,
For every little bit that you know of me,
For every season we cross hand in hand,
For all the joy you have brought to me.
No ocean was big enough,
No winter cold enough,
Your arms were always around me,
No sadness was sad enough.
Goodbye and farewell,
I still feel hearty and well,
Even though that bubble of fear inside me threatens to burst,
Goodbye to you and a happy yet sad farewell.
For every little bit that you know of me,
For every season we cross hand in hand,
For all the joy you have brought to me.
No ocean was big enough,
No winter cold enough,
Your arms were always around me,
No sadness was sad enough.
Goodbye and farewell,
I still feel hearty and well,
Even though that bubble of fear inside me threatens to burst,
Goodbye to you and a happy yet sad farewell.
7/29/10
Ten.Twenty.Thirty.Forty.
Blistering. Anger.
Alcohol. Danger.
Stupefied. Immobile.
Lost. Imbecile.
Dandelions.Poppy seeds.
Handkerchief. Speed.
Red. Purple.
Everywhere. Circles.
A child.Joy.
Teenage. Annoy.
Twenties. Sucks.
Earn.Bucks.
Internet.Phones.
Now Flesh. Then Bones.
Caustic. Screams.
Limits. Dreams.
Speak. Say.
Don't. you're Gray.
Tear. Wear.
Damnation. Care.
People. More.
You. Bore.
Look. Out.
Look. Back.
Smiles. Endless.
All. Passed.
Alcohol. Danger.
Stupefied. Immobile.
Lost. Imbecile.
Dandelions.Poppy seeds.
Handkerchief. Speed.
Red. Purple.
Everywhere. Circles.
A child.Joy.
Teenage. Annoy.
Twenties. Sucks.
Earn.Bucks.
Internet.Phones.
Now Flesh. Then Bones.
Caustic. Screams.
Limits. Dreams.
Speak. Say.
Don't. you're Gray.
Tear. Wear.
Damnation. Care.
People. More.
You. Bore.
Look. Out.
Look. Back.
Smiles. Endless.
All. Passed.
6/12/10
them Clouds...
Think I'll storm them clouds once
Every morning they approach
And pass over me like the drones of war.
Every bit of the earth I see in them
Every bit of what's lost
And every bit of what is.
They know everything, them clouds,
and I can just wish
Wish for them clouds to tell me all.
Once I saw a shooting star
Streaking in their camouflage
of black and blue.
And once i saw or thought I did
A sledge full of wishes
On a cold cold night.
Them clouds hide 'em all
And play tricks on our eyes
Showing what's not or what might be.
And being the angry men we are,
We rage and speed
to look for what might not be there at all
Just because them clouds played tricks.
Some are pretty and some are strange
But them clouds know it all
Know all of what I ever want to know.
Travelling for years on end
Watching the world grow
They arrive in the morning
from the eastern sky.
Black and white
Or purple with rage
Or a hint of the early morning blues.
The gunfire and the deaths
The roar of the canons
Still echoing in their depths.
The children and the people
And the love that they shared
Floating forever in the unreachable wilderness.
They will not forget
And will not let us do so
That is why they show us what might be and what might not.
Them clouds they storm the morning sky
And pass over me
like drones of war.
Them clouds that I would like to storm
to unearth all their secrets
Them clouds that existed before we were born.
Every morning they approach
And pass over me like the drones of war.
Every bit of the earth I see in them
Every bit of what's lost
And every bit of what is.
They know everything, them clouds,
and I can just wish
Wish for them clouds to tell me all.
Once I saw a shooting star
Streaking in their camouflage
of black and blue.
And once i saw or thought I did
A sledge full of wishes
On a cold cold night.
Them clouds hide 'em all
And play tricks on our eyes
Showing what's not or what might be.
And being the angry men we are,
We rage and speed
to look for what might not be there at all
Just because them clouds played tricks.
Some are pretty and some are strange
But them clouds know it all
Know all of what I ever want to know.
Travelling for years on end
Watching the world grow
They arrive in the morning
from the eastern sky.
Black and white
Or purple with rage
Or a hint of the early morning blues.
The gunfire and the deaths
The roar of the canons
Still echoing in their depths.
The children and the people
And the love that they shared
Floating forever in the unreachable wilderness.
They will not forget
And will not let us do so
That is why they show us what might be and what might not.
Them clouds they storm the morning sky
And pass over me
like drones of war.
Them clouds that I would like to storm
to unearth all their secrets
Them clouds that existed before we were born.
6/5/10
Dawn Breaks and all hell breaks loose...
I don't know if it's just me or everyone else. When dawn breaks, I get a very weird feeling. I mean, yes, I have the habit of staying awake the whole night since class 11 and very often till dawn breaks, but even after all these years I get a weird feeling everytime. Dawn's breaking as I type. And I realised that I need to get it out today somehow. At this moment everyone is asleep. Everyone, whether at home or the hostel. Everyone is soundly sleeping.And here I am typing away or playing games or reading or studying,whatever.
Thoughts cross my mind now, streak across like meteors, whizzing past each other, showing themselves on the brain screen where I get to see them and then rushing away. I do not know why it happens exactly in spite of my experience regarding it. But one guess would be that at the back of my mind I know that this ain't normal. And I am deviating from the normal by staying awake. And then further the questions deepen, am I doing it right? I mean, is it alright for my future? Is it proper? And so on they deepen-is what I am doing in life right? Cuz even that seems really abnormal and disembodied sometimes. And my weird weird mind goes off on its own, asking stupid questions, answering them itself, making up stories, convincing and not convincing itself, making me feel good and bad, silly and haughty, stupid and intelligent, and what not.. Sheer retardedness I am now convinced. Big time retard, moron of a retard I am. Not even the proper one....I hate hanging in the middle...always...I sooo wanna start life again afresh. Sick and tired of everything happening in this one. Sucks to WBUT for making me think and think and think so much about how fucked up my life is. Any slang would be an understatement for them....Stupid asses, mf's....balls!!!!!
5/29/10
Its funny how fallin' feels like flyin' for a little while.
Well,life ain't easy for sure. Sometimes your mind, your heart goes off freewheeling crazy. You go haywire. All directions change. Every responsibility you had thought u had goes cartwheeling like them firecrackers. Situations, society, money, people all around are a potent mix that is to say life is potent. Because everything you yearn for,want,need is in life itself. We have to learn to balance life, time, money, people, moods, phases, situations, responsibilities. Everything. And once you have a taste of the life which you actually do not have but by stretching your means you could have, that is dangerous.
Its like most of the Indian satellite rockets.....you go up up up and then you never realize when the glitch occurs, and you fall, coming to terms with the fact that there was a snag all along which you failed to see. Just like it happens with the rockets. " It's funny how falling feels like flying for a little while"-I guess that's because you never realize what's actually happening. "You never see it coming till its gone,it all happens for a reason when its wrong, specially when it's wrong"
People do not care anymore. Life isn't what any of us had known. Responsibilities are always askew. And you know you are serious and thinking about all of it knowing deep inside that you will be tempted again to be who you are not. And that is not one issue which is not common in these times. Everyone is in the rat race. I agree with what my friend Nilayan says- "Sometimes i feel so shitty that I hav become a grown up...I guess it just means u learn to do things that are convenient...not things that u really wanna do."
Never have I felt this way before, never before have I been so out of control, so out of tune with myself. I changed, even when I did not want to I guess. Things just happened. Just too fast to take note of it all. Too fast to catch up with the person I was losing. Yes I want to have fun in life along with my studies, along with everything else. But lately, things have spun way out of control. The responsibilities, studies have gone for a toss. And I have been doing what not. I have been boozing yes, I have been with my friends all day, I have been going for dinners and swimming and hanging out with friends all the time. All the time. Otherwise I am sleeping or watching movies or just being online. I do not like anyone telling me about my life. I want to make something out of myself by myself. So each time anyone comes in to do that, I get majorly pissed. Be it at home,outside home, wherever. But thing is I do not yet know where I am headed. Because I am absolutely fed up with engineering. I started coaching for CAT, and I have realized that 3 years In the hellhole called Durgapur among shitty people without use of brains ,intelligence or wit has made me pretty dumb. Pretty. I mean,for 3 years if you are not using your brain(not that it was a sooperb one before), its bound to lose stuff to the atmosphere. And now it sucks. Pretty much. I hate the feeling, loathe myself. For being such a loser. For being such a dumbass, for doing nothing out of life as of yet. I have never done anything exceptionally good in my life. Everywhere it has been that I started something and then just let it go. Yes, believing in the fact that I can do it all and its always going to be just about me, I have failed miserably in life as of yet. Miserably. The list can go on, guitar for one, singing, writing studies, party life. etc etc. I had a reading habit. Lost. I believed I could write. Sucks. I thought yeah, maybe I can sing. Shit!!! Everything turned out to be bullcrap. There isn't one thing I can do properly. Everyone is far better in anything I do. I need to hone what I have,because its too late to start off with anything anew. But for that I need time,which I do not have. I feel so lost. Nothing seems right at this moment. All the capacitors and resistances in the engineering books make my head ache. And looking at the CAT books make me feel like shit. Its the same feeling I have when I sit with the guitar. Damn it, I never seem to know where to place my finger to get that note. To a certain extent I'll succeed,but then Damn it!!!! I cannot proceed further.
Its a tough job being such a complex person. I wish I never had to think so much. Extremes are always way better. U either be a dolt or an intelligent being so that what people know about you is true and consistent. But to just hang there in the middle is sick and pathetic. You fuckin know what people really know yet you know you aren't that person at all.And problem is, for us, what other people think comes first,and then what we think. Its crap,utter crap, nonsense,all of it. Damn it!! :(
Its like most of the Indian satellite rockets.....you go up up up and then you never realize when the glitch occurs, and you fall, coming to terms with the fact that there was a snag all along which you failed to see. Just like it happens with the rockets. " It's funny how falling feels like flying for a little while"-I guess that's because you never realize what's actually happening. "You never see it coming till its gone,it all happens for a reason when its wrong, specially when it's wrong"
People do not care anymore. Life isn't what any of us had known. Responsibilities are always askew. And you know you are serious and thinking about all of it knowing deep inside that you will be tempted again to be who you are not. And that is not one issue which is not common in these times. Everyone is in the rat race. I agree with what my friend Nilayan says- "Sometimes i feel so shitty that I hav become a grown up...I guess it just means u learn to do things that are convenient...not things that u really wanna do."
Never have I felt this way before, never before have I been so out of control, so out of tune with myself. I changed, even when I did not want to I guess. Things just happened. Just too fast to take note of it all. Too fast to catch up with the person I was losing. Yes I want to have fun in life along with my studies, along with everything else. But lately, things have spun way out of control. The responsibilities, studies have gone for a toss. And I have been doing what not. I have been boozing yes, I have been with my friends all day, I have been going for dinners and swimming and hanging out with friends all the time. All the time. Otherwise I am sleeping or watching movies or just being online. I do not like anyone telling me about my life. I want to make something out of myself by myself. So each time anyone comes in to do that, I get majorly pissed. Be it at home,outside home, wherever. But thing is I do not yet know where I am headed. Because I am absolutely fed up with engineering. I started coaching for CAT, and I have realized that 3 years In the hellhole called Durgapur among shitty people without use of brains ,intelligence or wit has made me pretty dumb. Pretty. I mean,for 3 years if you are not using your brain(not that it was a sooperb one before), its bound to lose stuff to the atmosphere. And now it sucks. Pretty much. I hate the feeling, loathe myself. For being such a loser. For being such a dumbass, for doing nothing out of life as of yet. I have never done anything exceptionally good in my life. Everywhere it has been that I started something and then just let it go. Yes, believing in the fact that I can do it all and its always going to be just about me, I have failed miserably in life as of yet. Miserably. The list can go on, guitar for one, singing, writing studies, party life. etc etc. I had a reading habit. Lost. I believed I could write. Sucks. I thought yeah, maybe I can sing. Shit!!! Everything turned out to be bullcrap. There isn't one thing I can do properly. Everyone is far better in anything I do. I need to hone what I have,because its too late to start off with anything anew. But for that I need time,which I do not have. I feel so lost. Nothing seems right at this moment. All the capacitors and resistances in the engineering books make my head ache. And looking at the CAT books make me feel like shit. Its the same feeling I have when I sit with the guitar. Damn it, I never seem to know where to place my finger to get that note. To a certain extent I'll succeed,but then Damn it!!!! I cannot proceed further.
Its a tough job being such a complex person. I wish I never had to think so much. Extremes are always way better. U either be a dolt or an intelligent being so that what people know about you is true and consistent. But to just hang there in the middle is sick and pathetic. You fuckin know what people really know yet you know you aren't that person at all.And problem is, for us, what other people think comes first,and then what we think. Its crap,utter crap, nonsense,all of it. Damn it!! :(
4/26/10
Miss You- Candlebox...
All, all it's not alright
Your role it played through time
Come and rescue me
you're needed here at home
And your space, a moment in time
A hand to hold a hand I tried
Who was it called to you?
Who called?
Your story's alive with hellos and goodbyes
Bright lights, first kiss and drunken nights
How I miss you
I miss you now and hey
And I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
I miss you now and hey
And the rain
Falling cold outside
Covered me the day you died
You could have waited one more day
I should've called
I dream of your life, the war and the fight
The music you played, the love for your wife
And I miss you
I miss you now and
Hey, I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
And I miss you
I miss you now and hey
And I am mad at the age
That stole you away
By surviving the beach
You gave me my stay
And I understand by this that I am
All that you were was changed by the sand
but I miss you
I miss you now and
Hey, I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
How I miss you
Your role it played through time
Come and rescue me
you're needed here at home
And your space, a moment in time
A hand to hold a hand I tried
Who was it called to you?
Who called?
Your story's alive with hellos and goodbyes
Bright lights, first kiss and drunken nights
How I miss you
I miss you now and hey
And I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
I miss you now and hey
And the rain
Falling cold outside
Covered me the day you died
You could have waited one more day
I should've called
I dream of your life, the war and the fight
The music you played, the love for your wife
And I miss you
I miss you now and
Hey, I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
And I miss you
I miss you now and hey
And I am mad at the age
That stole you away
By surviving the beach
You gave me my stay
And I understand by this that I am
All that you were was changed by the sand
but I miss you
I miss you now and
Hey, I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
How I miss you
4/24/10
I don't know...
There's something important I realised today suddenly walking with a friend. Sorry is a very futile word. It's just one word for "Shit!!! Couldn't help it". I mean, why say it? When the deed is done and cannot be undone anymore. It's just a formality that we say it. There's nothing to it...
It's embarrassing sometimes to go out with parents at this age. I dunno why it happens. Mum doesn't go out much because of her brand new knee cap. But with dad, especially at some store. whew!!! I slink away everytime he starts talking. At any store, at least 3 to 4 attendants will definitely come to know about 1 or 2 of his life experiences. And most of the conversations start with, "Dekho,amar boyesh to onek beshi jibon tao ami onek dekhechi" or "You have to agree that I am older to you, and more experienced" and then 1 or 2 stories would follow- "I used to live in Hong Kong and there this happened," etc etc...... And the attendants will but nod and say "yes sir yes sir". Its exasperating sometimes. I mean, c'mon leave the poor man alone. Everywhere he goes, he'll try and teach everyone, give them life lessons. Yes,definitely he knows much but excess use of it is exasperating. I think I have got that thing from him...which is again kind of exasperating when I think of it....
I don't know how to live my life. This thought somehow or the other creeps invariably into my mind sometimes. I mean, do I live it for myself? Do I live it for others? Do I go for it so that I have fun all my life because its a short time? Do I live it so that I can do good to the less fortunate and the poor? I wish I could arrive at some decision right now. But like everything else (as in my career, my objective in life) this aspect also seems hazy.... But why I don't know.
It's embarrassing sometimes to go out with parents at this age. I dunno why it happens. Mum doesn't go out much because of her brand new knee cap. But with dad, especially at some store. whew!!! I slink away everytime he starts talking. At any store, at least 3 to 4 attendants will definitely come to know about 1 or 2 of his life experiences. And most of the conversations start with, "Dekho,amar boyesh to onek beshi jibon tao ami onek dekhechi" or "You have to agree that I am older to you, and more experienced" and then 1 or 2 stories would follow- "I used to live in Hong Kong and there this happened," etc etc...... And the attendants will but nod and say "yes sir yes sir". Its exasperating sometimes. I mean, c'mon leave the poor man alone. Everywhere he goes, he'll try and teach everyone, give them life lessons. Yes,definitely he knows much but excess use of it is exasperating. I think I have got that thing from him...which is again kind of exasperating when I think of it....
I don't know how to live my life. This thought somehow or the other creeps invariably into my mind sometimes. I mean, do I live it for myself? Do I live it for others? Do I go for it so that I have fun all my life because its a short time? Do I live it so that I can do good to the less fortunate and the poor? I wish I could arrive at some decision right now. But like everything else (as in my career, my objective in life) this aspect also seems hazy.... But why I don't know.
4/16/10
Mine....
Some people you can never let go.
Somehow they will always be there.
And you will want them there.
And you will want yourself around them.
Always.
To all those people I can proudly call Mine-you're the reason for the sudden smile in troubled times, yours is the hand to look for in the dark, you're the one to high five in the awesomest times.
To all that we have and will.
**random scribbles, reminiscent mood**
Somehow they will always be there.
And you will want them there.
And you will want yourself around them.
Always.
To all those people I can proudly call Mine-you're the reason for the sudden smile in troubled times, yours is the hand to look for in the dark, you're the one to high five in the awesomest times.
To all that we have and will.
**random scribbles, reminiscent mood**
4/5/10
The Mighty Sting!!!
And I'll sting 'em all, n by all i MEAN ALL. Where were we? Oh yes....
I will sting them all- go WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
And then chotto kore TUCHUK!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! The pain, they will feel it, ALL of them....Nothing, No one can stop me!!! NOONE!!! **echoes** NOONe NOOne NOone Noone noone!!! **echoes** A-HAHA-A-HAHAHAHA-A-HAHA-A-HAHAHAHA!! *mandark laugh*( dexter's rival remember???)
3/20/10
Always....Al-bloody-ways...!!!
This one's a doodle dawdle scribbling random post. Crap. Period.
Sometimes I do feel like crap. When people race ahead and I get left behind. Its frustrating. Here I am trying my hand at whatever I feel I am good at to give back something to the parents' expectations and each bloody time I end up with nothing. Always. Al-bloody-ways. Turns down me morale. I feel
1>useless
2>hopeless
3>pointless
4>worthless.
Utter crap.Always. Had the western vocals finals today at the IEM fest. I came 4th. 1.5 marks less than 3rd place.
With me its always these decimal or nominal numbers. Always. 1.5???
1> 1.5 marks less than 3rd position=4th at IEM fest.~~~ Discouraged.
2>1 mark less than the top score=Mr. Fresher title at college lost.~~~WTF??!!?!?!?!?
3>2 marks less than 3rd place=4th position at some random competition.~~~Dhurr!!!
4>Statesman Scrabble-I have been playing every year it took place from class 7 I guess- reaching semi finals,quarter finals, finals,then lost.~~~Crap,it goes on and on. Always.
5>National Scrabble Championship,Hyderabad-11th, just 1 more than the top 10 people.~~~ Not done,not fair at all!!!
6>8.8-ICSE marks=0.2 less than 9.~~~huh???
7>7.81-Semester marks=0.19 less than an 8 point.~~~ whY wHY WHY??
8>8.31-Semester Marks=0.19 less than an 8.5 point.~~~ WHY WHy Why??
9>ummmmmmmm......Can't remember anything else. But there has to be. This list isn't anywhere as short as far as I remember. Just wish I could remember what else was there in the list.
Anyways,fact is,its always those nominal or the decimal digits. Always. I'll come close to achieving something and then something or the other has to happen. Has to. Always. Its frustrating now. I keep on thinking about it. I bunked a whole week of college and practiced n practiced. Recorded songs, sent out for opinions. Yes, I get selected for the finals. And what happens there? Nothing... Fate has and always will run out on me. Playing dirty all the time. All my life. I'll get close to something I am yearning for. Almost tangible it is when She will just Snatch it away. Yes, its the perfect word for it-SNATCH!!!! ALWAYS......
Sometimes I do feel like crap. When people race ahead and I get left behind. Its frustrating. Here I am trying my hand at whatever I feel I am good at to give back something to the parents' expectations and each bloody time I end up with nothing. Always. Al-bloody-ways. Turns down me morale. I feel
1>useless
2>hopeless
3>pointless
4>worthless.
Utter crap.Always. Had the western vocals finals today at the IEM fest. I came 4th. 1.5 marks less than 3rd place.
With me its always these decimal or nominal numbers. Always. 1.5???
1> 1.5 marks less than 3rd position=4th at IEM fest.~~~ Discouraged.
2>1 mark less than the top score=Mr. Fresher title at college lost.~~~WTF??!!?!?!?!?
3>2 marks less than 3rd place=4th position at some random competition.~~~Dhurr!!!
4>Statesman Scrabble-I have been playing every year it took place from class 7 I guess- reaching semi finals,quarter finals, finals,then lost.~~~Crap,it goes on and on. Always.
5>National Scrabble Championship,Hyderabad-11th, just 1 more than the top 10 people.~~~ Not done,not fair at all!!!
6>8.8-ICSE marks=0.2 less than 9.~~~huh???
7>7.81-Semester marks=0.19 less than an 8 point.~~~ whY wHY WHY??
8>8.31-Semester Marks=0.19 less than an 8.5 point.~~~ WHY WHy Why??
9>ummmmmmmm......Can't remember anything else. But there has to be. This list isn't anywhere as short as far as I remember. Just wish I could remember what else was there in the list.
Anyways,fact is,its always those nominal or the decimal digits. Always. I'll come close to achieving something and then something or the other has to happen. Has to. Always. Its frustrating now. I keep on thinking about it. I bunked a whole week of college and practiced n practiced. Recorded songs, sent out for opinions. Yes, I get selected for the finals. And what happens there? Nothing... Fate has and always will run out on me. Playing dirty all the time. All my life. I'll get close to something I am yearning for. Almost tangible it is when She will just Snatch it away. Yes, its the perfect word for it-SNATCH!!!! ALWAYS......
2/28/10
The Martyr
You cursed my eyes open
When all I could see was black with glittering buttons of light when the light crossed.
And all I saw was white all around-a world different from what I had known and seen.
You're scarred and broken against the might and greed forced on
you.
And you plead to die, if not, get over the pain quickly.
And what was & never will be is in the disguise of the sheep that still bleats on the mountain side crying against the biting winds that storm from the north.
And you shall never be born again,
But we will carry on, murderers who killed you and me.
And you'll still beckon, you'll yet plead
And we'll lend our ears, but never will we ever meet.
Let my eyes shut and let me hallucinate of streaks of light in a place where silver women talk to trees,
Where lust and greed rarely meet,where you barely choke from the smoke and filth.
Yes we will meet there, in a world lost long before in dreams and songs,
And the sheep shall bleat on the mountainside while I'll look down,
Circling against the white rocks in the untouched blue, flying against the west wind that plays puppeteer to the trees.
And you shall be born again...
When all I could see was black with glittering buttons of light when the light crossed.
And all I saw was white all around-a world different from what I had known and seen.
You're scarred and broken against the might and greed forced on
you.And you plead to die, if not, get over the pain quickly.
And what was & never will be is in the disguise of the sheep that still bleats on the mountain side crying against the biting winds that storm from the north.
And you shall never be born again,
But we will carry on, murderers who killed you and me.
And you'll still beckon, you'll yet plead
And we'll lend our ears, but never will we ever meet.
Let my eyes shut and let me hallucinate of streaks of light in a place where silver women talk to trees,
Where lust and greed rarely meet,where you barely choke from the smoke and filth.
Yes we will meet there, in a world lost long before in dreams and songs,
And the sheep shall bleat on the mountainside while I'll look down,
Circling against the white rocks in the untouched blue, flying against the west wind that plays puppeteer to the trees.
And you shall be born again...
2/8/10
I don't I don't I don't....
I don't like a lot of stuff.
1. I don't like men wearing lungis.
2. I don't like mushy women.
3. I don't like saas bahu soaps.
4. I don't like having to do much work.
5. I don't like writing with blue pens.
6. I don't like my stuff thrown higgledy piggledy.
7. I don't like people talking for the sake of it.
8. I don't like the fact that i don't have a camera on me all the time.
9. I don't like those stupid bengali songs that people continue to sing on ctvn akd n such channels etc.
10. I don't like to wake up early in the morning.
11. I don't like going to college.
12. I don't like my cellphone,it can't play songs.
13. I don't like rakhi sawant.
14. I don't like the dog in my locality which keeps barking its head off in the middle of the night.
15. I don't like talking to people when i am sleepy.
16. I don't like veg food.
17. I don't like new bedsheets or new clothes that prickle.
18. I don't like the fact that my parents don't understand the fact that i have 2 lives n have to live both without trying to compromise on the other as much as possible.
19. I don't like very high society people and their stupid touchy ways.
20. I don't like being told off all the time.
21. I don't like mosquitoes irritating me.
22. I don't like when i am hungry and there's no food.
23. I don't like it when i wanna write but cannot.
24. I don't like it wen someone tempts me with chocolate and I can't have it then.
25. I don't like the fact that I cannot play guitar better than what I can.
26. I don't like tacky bollywood movies or songs like de dana dan n baamulaiza, yeeesh!!
27. I don't like garia,jadavpur and behala-it seems to be teeming with all the people of the city,n the rickshaws n vehicles,i won't even start on that.
28. I don't like splitsvilla.
29. I don't like the fact that I don't have a dog.
30. I don't like the tram system in Kolkata.
That's it for now I guess... :P
1. I don't like men wearing lungis.
2. I don't like mushy women.
3. I don't like saas bahu soaps.
4. I don't like having to do much work.
5. I don't like writing with blue pens.
6. I don't like my stuff thrown higgledy piggledy.
7. I don't like people talking for the sake of it.
8. I don't like the fact that i don't have a camera on me all the time.
9. I don't like those stupid bengali songs that people continue to sing on ctvn akd n such channels etc.
10. I don't like to wake up early in the morning.
11. I don't like going to college.
12. I don't like my cellphone,it can't play songs.
13. I don't like rakhi sawant.
14. I don't like the dog in my locality which keeps barking its head off in the middle of the night.
15. I don't like talking to people when i am sleepy.
16. I don't like veg food.
17. I don't like new bedsheets or new clothes that prickle.
18. I don't like the fact that my parents don't understand the fact that i have 2 lives n have to live both without trying to compromise on the other as much as possible.
19. I don't like very high society people and their stupid touchy ways.
20. I don't like being told off all the time.
21. I don't like mosquitoes irritating me.
22. I don't like when i am hungry and there's no food.
23. I don't like it when i wanna write but cannot.
24. I don't like it wen someone tempts me with chocolate and I can't have it then.
25. I don't like the fact that I cannot play guitar better than what I can.
26. I don't like tacky bollywood movies or songs like de dana dan n baamulaiza, yeeesh!!
27. I don't like garia,jadavpur and behala-it seems to be teeming with all the people of the city,n the rickshaws n vehicles,i won't even start on that.
28. I don't like splitsvilla.
29. I don't like the fact that I don't have a dog.
30. I don't like the tram system in Kolkata.
That's it for now I guess... :P
1/14/10
Run...
I ran.
On and on,for days and days.
Hopelessly craving for that sliver of light to seep in somehow.
I ran from that dark shadow to wherever I saw light,
But the light never stayed at that same place.
After years,I felt naked and tired,
A bit of rest was all I yearned.
So be it,said He from above.
They couldn't do anything,my race was run.
On and on,for days and days.
Hopelessly craving for that sliver of light to seep in somehow.
I ran from that dark shadow to wherever I saw light,
But the light never stayed at that same place.
After years,I felt naked and tired,
A bit of rest was all I yearned.
So be it,said He from above.
They couldn't do anything,my race was run.
1/3/10
Free falling....
Well,he did jump suddenly then. Without warning.Into the black and white swirling hypnotizing circles. And he fell.Fell down and down and down into the rush of black and white. People and things rushed past.Wait....weren't they all from the years past?He fell until suddenly his feet touched ground. And realization then dawned. It was just another start.
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