Dear friend,
It's not what you know that makes you who you are, it's what you believe. For a long time I've believed that I am pretty much useless with a hopeless bundle of luck that leads nowhere. Turns out it just might be true. People do have a notion about me that borders somewhere on those lines. People enjoy my company, but not for long I suppose. That is why my cellphone has stopped ringing or buzzing with texts, or phone calls for a long time now. I don't have any use for the device except to listen to music, occasionally be my virtual self and lock it back again. And everywhere around me, people want to be seemingly more in the cloud rather than put their feet firmly on the ground.
I think it is absolutely necessary that I try and mix more with people and get to know them better. But somehow, this being a worrisome age as it is, I don't seem to want to make an effort to do so. People really are strange now. No one has the time to stop and speak their mind. Every word and line seems to be a forced, rushed, howled, cried or an anguished rant. It makes me not want to talk to them in any case. They are always rushing to be who they are not. And the saddest part it seems is that they know they are unhappy and don't or can't do anything about it. This version of me in my head says that's okay, the less people there are, the less there is to deal with, to keep in mind about. There's this other version which says the more the merrier. And being caught in the middle of these two has made me an uncomfortable piece of mass floating about in the great blackness. The resultant is that I am neither social nor unsocial. There should be an official term for this. And there will be lots of people who will label themselves with it. And then everyone will be the same and a new word would need to be invented again for those who survive that.
The last time I smoked up, I saw strange shapes. I put my hand against them and felt them swirling around my fingers. It was a strange sensation, the first of its kind. I felt light. It was funny too,watching them move about aimlessly through the air. And then I wanted chocolate. So I had copious amounts today.
I am cynical of everything and everyone now. I hate that in myself sometimes and I try to change it, but people around are sometimes too blockheaded to let that happen in me. It's never gonna happen, that is one thing I have fully comprehended. People keep saying the same things, asking the same questions, giving the same answers, laughing at the same jokes, repeating themselves everyday and every night. It's almost on the verge of pathetic sometimes. Maybe I am not satisfied with my life and hence, I am taking it out on the poor people, but hey, sometimes, you've got to put the blame on someone. It can;t be your fault always. And I do accept faults. I learnt to do that a while back which actually helped, contrary to my belief from the earlier days.
I need a break. I need a vacation. I need the rain to stop. It depresses the hell out of me. I need people to use a little more of their brains. I need to run. I think I will then.
Yours,
Charlie.
It's not what you know that makes you who you are, it's what you believe. For a long time I've believed that I am pretty much useless with a hopeless bundle of luck that leads nowhere. Turns out it just might be true. People do have a notion about me that borders somewhere on those lines. People enjoy my company, but not for long I suppose. That is why my cellphone has stopped ringing or buzzing with texts, or phone calls for a long time now. I don't have any use for the device except to listen to music, occasionally be my virtual self and lock it back again. And everywhere around me, people want to be seemingly more in the cloud rather than put their feet firmly on the ground.
I think it is absolutely necessary that I try and mix more with people and get to know them better. But somehow, this being a worrisome age as it is, I don't seem to want to make an effort to do so. People really are strange now. No one has the time to stop and speak their mind. Every word and line seems to be a forced, rushed, howled, cried or an anguished rant. It makes me not want to talk to them in any case. They are always rushing to be who they are not. And the saddest part it seems is that they know they are unhappy and don't or can't do anything about it. This version of me in my head says that's okay, the less people there are, the less there is to deal with, to keep in mind about. There's this other version which says the more the merrier. And being caught in the middle of these two has made me an uncomfortable piece of mass floating about in the great blackness. The resultant is that I am neither social nor unsocial. There should be an official term for this. And there will be lots of people who will label themselves with it. And then everyone will be the same and a new word would need to be invented again for those who survive that.
The last time I smoked up, I saw strange shapes. I put my hand against them and felt them swirling around my fingers. It was a strange sensation, the first of its kind. I felt light. It was funny too,watching them move about aimlessly through the air. And then I wanted chocolate. So I had copious amounts today.
I am cynical of everything and everyone now. I hate that in myself sometimes and I try to change it, but people around are sometimes too blockheaded to let that happen in me. It's never gonna happen, that is one thing I have fully comprehended. People keep saying the same things, asking the same questions, giving the same answers, laughing at the same jokes, repeating themselves everyday and every night. It's almost on the verge of pathetic sometimes. Maybe I am not satisfied with my life and hence, I am taking it out on the poor people, but hey, sometimes, you've got to put the blame on someone. It can;t be your fault always. And I do accept faults. I learnt to do that a while back which actually helped, contrary to my belief from the earlier days.
I need a break. I need a vacation. I need the rain to stop. It depresses the hell out of me. I need people to use a little more of their brains. I need to run. I think I will then.
Yours,
Charlie.
1 comment:
the phase bw social n unsocial is too dangerous..ppl are scared to cum close these group..for a simple reason ppl cant undrstand them
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