Little Bird

It's been along time since I last wrote anything. Will probably be my last while in Calcutta. Next week I leave the City of Joy to start work at Pune. And if all goes well and I don't get kicked out, Tech Mahindra shall be my way of life for at least three four years. I'd prefer less though.

Life in Calcutta is abuzz right now. Lunches, dinners, friends, family, with the home training thrown in, all in a muddled up mess. Amidst everything, I found this little sparrow which sleeps right outside my window behind a pipe. Everyday its there, sleeping peacefully as the Havell's stand fan whirrs incessantly in my room through the night. Nothing to worry about except for food and water. But it manages somehow. But yeah, just two of them compared to the thousands of issues I have, face and have to think about? Nothing I guess. To me,it's just free.

A new start to life is around the corner. What I have always wanted. A restart button, a fresh city, fresh people, fresh experiences. But I don't feel excited at the prospect of it anymore somehow. Somewhere I seem to have aged and come to live for others but keep saying that I only live for myself. Life's taught lessons in these 23 years. Some wonderful and some not. I wish to learn from the ones that are not. And I find myself staring at this guy who is somehow 23 and doesn't want to be. Living for myself was this idea when I was young. That I'd have an awesome time, awesome friends, awesome everything. But that's hogwash, brainwash.Now that I know a little of the world and the kind of people it holds, I know all of that is just in the movies, the books and the celebrities. But the fantasy hasn't died out yet. I have taken life's decisions holding family in regard always and I have found at the end of the day, I am happy that way.I have worked hard to have good friends, to be liked and be there for all I care about. But being a sober, decent, nice person hasn't really paid off. That's exactly what keeps that old fantasy alive even though I know its not possible.

I hope Pune bears luck in the guise of mental satisfaction for me. That's one thing the last few years of 23 didn't feel like giving me. Made me feel hopeless, helpless, hapless, pointless, worthless and all the "less"'s there could ever be.

Stuck is what you are when you are scared of heights but keep looking down from the overbridge.

So I was standing there. Looking down at the cars whizzing past below and enjoying the pleasant dancing wind in the middle of the sultry evening. With a cigarette in my hand. This overbridge is five minutes from my house where I come over to stare at the lights and the cars and the people rushing about in pandemonium. Gives me a feeling of "elevated-ness", supreme to all those below me in a mad rush. Sure, there are others spending time like I am on the same bridge. But who cares? My imaginarium after all. 

So anyway, I am scared of heights and this is one of them which should not be entertained one bit by people such as me. First of all there is the damn elevation, add the thundering cars and buses below it that shake the bridge every now and then.Makes for a Frightful thought. But somehow I feel like standing there, exactly at that place where I am supposed to feel scared. I guess all of us go through stuff like this everyday, doing things that we are scared of, sometimes out of stubbornness, sometimes out of  no choice, sometimes out of boredom, sometimes out of anger, but rarely because we want to. I go through a combination of stubbornness and want regarding the overbridge situation. 

I like the place, I like looking at the lights surrounding me, I like thinking about my life standing there and smoking away, I like the chaos beneath me, I like the fact that I am separated from it, I like the fact that I am part of all that chaos, I like the fact that I can escape from it by climbing a few steps, but I hate the fact that I have to keep going back to it. Like us, like everything else, like 1230AM,1st May, the little bit of  freedom is temporary.

I am stuck. badly. All my life, I have wanted a life that would be my own, where I would be king of me. I wanted to move out, see the world, know new people, learn different cultures. I don't know if my time has come yet, but I sure feel it has and that it's slipping by. Once I start my corporate career, a bit of financial independence would make life a little more easier than what it is now(hopefully). But it never seems to start. The joining date gets delayed and delayed. Plus, my share of luck hasn't been working hard at getting through other jobs even. It's  become a dreary, sludgy process, dragging it out day by day with nothingness attached and more of it to look forward to the next day. And the heat seems to bum it all the more. Calcutta is soon going to be very uninhabitable.

I don't know why I keep going to the overbridge. I think it gives me a little more hope so that I can pull through and face another day of uneasiness, fright and joblessness. And anytime it gets a little too claustrophobic, I know I can always find my freedom by those railings.

One more chance

Hear when the bee flies its last course on its road

Hear when the clouds stop gliding in their silent boats.

Hear when the oceans trickle the last drop onto the shore.

Hear when the wind howls the last time it sweeps around the globe.

See where the pearl moon beams dance on their way in the night

See where you have stopped still when anything had gone right.

See the broken masts of the ships that you had made to fly

Nowhere could you ever go, consumed by your selfish sight.

 

Come when the earth has eaten away at every one of us,

nothing left of the life that had created such a fuss.

Come when the morning star disappears gently into the cold

nowhere to go but the blackness where our story began to unfold.

Come where the last of the candles flickers out its light

from thereon you shall see the way through the darkness of the night.

Come where the rain pounds its many drops, wet upon the floor

there u shall wash away all your desires evermore. 

Transitions

I realize the changes in me sometimes. The realizations sometimes comes out of self-introspection but most of the time, I realize the changes because of what people say about me. The latest one is a dangerous one. Very recently, quite a number of people have told me that I seem more robust and talkative over chat and other media. But I don't talk much when I have met them. Meaning, I have started to accept the Internet as my media to open up and be myself and not actually be myself in front of people. My virtual self has started to take over me. Which shouldn't be the case.

Change,anyone?

I think we are all the same, yearning for childhood the same way sloths yearn to sleep. Sometimes its almost overpowering. Almost scary later on. Makes us rebellious in some ways I think. We get stuck in loops,never wanting to change certain things. It's almost comical from a certain angle. I saw this elderly man while on the bus, still wearing the same huge glasses that were in fashion during the 70's, wearing worn out leather shoes, carrying a small sling bag that women used to carry when we were kids, wearing his trousers way up, stretching his legs one by one at intervals.

Looking at him, I had a funny thought: if this man and some others like him are stuck where they were in their younger days, what will some of us from this generation look like when older? Imagine old people wearing trousers all the way down from their buttocks, wearing bracelets, playboy bunny earrings and bandanas, converse shoes, and glasses that cover every color possible. Its funny to think about.

But the point is, we're constantly yearning. Some of us express it, some of us don't. We all like certain things and wish they existed forever. And we try to hold on to them however much the world around us changes. I shall keep watching episodes of FullHouse and FRIENDS because there will never be shows like them on television, because television isn't the same anymore,because they remind me of the simplicity that childhood was, because I could relate my life to the characters on the shows, because I learned a lot about life from them. I still love reading Enid Blyton because of the way she wove her words,so intricate and beautiful yet so simple and easy to grasp. These are things to cherish forever and I would never want to change these. But reality is, we hardly get time to go back these days. We always want to move fast, have friends all over, stay connected via social networking sites etc. That's the priority now.

How do we accept change when we aren't ready to do it? Its just something we have to force upon ourselves. And most of us hate having stuff forced on us. But there isn't a way out is there? Cuz once we're out there, we're trapped before we can say "Shit! Boobytrap!!"

Father

Summers gone and now the rain
comes to fill the open sky.
When you're looking back u know
the best of u stands by.
You'll never know what you've missed today
but you've had the best of times.
Circling birds silhouette
dreams where u can fly.


You're left riddled by the void in you.
Luck wasn't fair to you at all.
But She'll make sure She comes back for you.
So you can go ahead and make your father proud.


I see the shadow of a man by you
and I tell u he isn't love.
The hand you're holding is just an illusion,
the hand you want is far off.
You're scared at first but you hold on still
with sliver of hope in your eyes.
But it's time to let go and you do it at peace,
while u watch the darkening sky.

Love Ain't There

Today I have a show for under-privileged children in the city. I guess we are lucky we have so much to do and so many things in life. Yet we never pause to think about them and never realize what they really mean. What we do is complain and whine in spite of everything.

I wrote this song last year about the children who have no place to call home, who are used and abused by the society we have built for ourselves, who are lost and are without love. I pray for their souls to be happy and pray that we change. I am going to sing this tomorrow without any expectations of criticisms or compliments. I hope people understand a little of it and change a little bit at least. Those bits can sum up to an extraordinary amount in the future.....

P.S.: CLICK ON THIS LINE TO LISTEN TO THE SONG.

I close my eyes,
surrounded by the talking rain.
I lift my hands and I,
I cry for you and I pray.

I wait for no one.
I wait for everything to be alright.
But I keep waiting,
waiting for a star to come out shine.

Before its too late I want to make a wish.
A wish for good to come and try to coexist.
Love ain't there, there's so many things to lose.
Don't lose faith or you won't know what to do.



I'm now alone,
surrounded by the unknown despair.
But I'm hopeful,
that my world is gonna change.


I'll wait for no one.
I'll wait for everything to be alright.
And I'll keep waiting,
waiting for my star to come out shine.

Before its too late I want to make a wish.
A wish for good to come n try to coexist.
Love ain't there, there's so many things to lose.
Don't lose yourself or you won't know what to do.