them Clouds...

Think I'll storm them clouds once
Every morning they approach
And pass over me like the drones of war.

Every bit of the earth I see in them
Every bit of what's lost
And every bit of what is.

They know everything, them clouds,
and I can just wish
Wish for them clouds to tell me all.

Once I saw a shooting star
Streaking in their camouflage
of black and blue.
And once i saw or thought I did
A sledge full of wishes
On a cold cold night.

Them clouds hide 'em all
And play tricks on our eyes
Showing what's not or what might be.
And being the angry men we are,
We rage and speed
to look for what might not be there at all
Just because them clouds played tricks.

Some are pretty and some are strange
But them clouds know it all
Know all of what I ever want to know.

Travelling for years on end
Watching the world grow
They arrive in the morning
from the eastern sky.

Black and white
Or purple with rage
Or a hint of the early morning blues.

The gunfire and the deaths
The roar of the canons
Still echoing in their depths.
The children and the people
And the love that they shared
Floating forever in the unreachable wilderness.

They will not forget
And will not let us do so
That is why they show us what might be and what might not.

Them clouds they storm the morning sky
And pass over me
like drones of war.
Them clouds that I would like to storm
to unearth all their secrets
Them clouds that existed before we were born.

Dawn Breaks and all hell breaks loose...

I don't know if it's just me or everyone else. When dawn breaks, I get a very weird feeling. I mean, yes, I have the habit of staying awake the whole night since class 11 and very often till dawn breaks, but even after all these years I get a weird feeling everytime. Dawn's breaking as I type. And I realised that I need to get it out today somehow. At this moment everyone is asleep. Everyone, whether at home or the hostel. Everyone is soundly sleeping.And here I am typing away or playing games or reading or studying,whatever.

Thoughts cross my mind now, streak across like meteors, whizzing past each other, showing themselves on the brain screen where I get to see them and then rushing away. I do not know why it happens exactly in spite of my experience regarding it. But one guess would be that at the back of my mind I know that this ain't normal. And I am deviating from the normal by staying awake. And then further the questions deepen, am I doing it right? I mean, is it alright for my future? Is it proper? And so on they deepen-is what I am doing in life right? Cuz even that seems really abnormal and disembodied sometimes. And my weird weird mind goes off on its own, asking stupid questions, answering them itself, making up stories, convincing and not convincing itself, making me feel good and bad, silly and haughty, stupid and intelligent, and what not.. Sheer retardedness I am now convinced. Big time retard, moron of a retard I am. Not even the proper one....I hate hanging in the middle...always...I sooo wanna start life again afresh. Sick and tired of everything happening in this one. Sucks to WBUT for making me think and think and think so much about how fucked up my life is. Any slang would be an understatement for them....Stupid asses, mf's....balls!!!!!

Its funny how fallin' feels like flyin' for a little while.

Well,life ain't easy for sure. Sometimes your mind, your heart goes off freewheeling crazy. You go haywire. All directions change. Every responsibility you had thought u had goes cartwheeling like them firecrackers. Situations, society, money, people all around are a potent mix that is to say life is potent. Because everything you yearn for,want,need is in life itself. We have to learn to balance life, time, money, people, moods, phases, situations, responsibilities. Everything. And once you have a taste of the life which you actually do not have but by stretching your means you could have, that is dangerous.

Its like most of the Indian satellite rockets.....you go up up up and then you never realize when the glitch occurs, and you fall, coming to terms with the fact that there was a snag all along which you failed to see. Just like it happens with the rockets. " It's funny how falling feels like flying for a little while"-I guess that's because you never realize what's actually happening. "You never see it coming till its gone,it all happens for a reason when its wrong, specially when it's wrong"

People do not care anymore. Life isn't what any of us had known. Responsibilities are always askew. And you know you are serious and thinking about all of it knowing deep inside that you will be tempted again to be who you are not. And that is not one issue which is not common in these times. Everyone is in the rat race. I agree with what my friend Nilayan says- "Sometimes i feel so shitty that I hav become a grown up...I guess it just means u learn to do things that are convenient...not things that u really wanna do."

Never have I felt this way before, never before have I been so out of control, so out of tune with myself. I changed, even when I did not want to I guess. Things just happened. Just too fast to take note of it all. Too fast to catch up with the person I was losing. Yes I want to have fun in life along with my studies, along with everything else. But lately, things have spun way out of control. The responsibilities, studies have gone for a toss. And I have been doing what not. I have been boozing yes, I have been with my friends all day, I have been going for dinners and swimming and hanging out with friends all the time. All the time. Otherwise I am sleeping or watching movies or just being online. I do not like anyone telling me about my life. I want to make something out of myself by myself. So each time anyone comes in to do that, I get majorly pissed. Be it at home,outside home, wherever. But thing is I do not yet know where I am headed. Because I am absolutely fed up with engineering. I started coaching for CAT, and I have realized that 3 years In the hellhole called Durgapur among shitty people without use of brains ,intelligence or wit has made me pretty dumb. Pretty. I mean,for 3 years if you are not using your brain(not that it was a sooperb one before), its bound to lose stuff to the atmosphere. And now it sucks. Pretty much. I hate the feeling, loathe myself. For being such a loser. For being such a dumbass, for doing nothing out of life as of yet. I have never done anything exceptionally good in my life. Everywhere it has been that I started something and then just let it go. Yes, believing in the fact that I can do it all and its always going to be just about me, I have failed miserably in life as of yet. Miserably. The list can go on, guitar for one, singing, writing studies, party life. etc etc. I had a reading habit. Lost. I believed I could write. Sucks. I thought yeah, maybe I can sing. Shit!!! Everything turned out to be bullcrap. There isn't one thing I can do properly. Everyone is far better in anything I do. I need to hone what I have,because its too late to start off with anything anew. But for that I need time,which I do not have. I feel so lost. Nothing seems right at this moment. All the capacitors and resistances in the engineering books make my head ache. And looking at the CAT books make me feel like shit. Its the same feeling I have when I sit with the guitar. Damn it, I never seem to know where to place my finger to get that note. To a certain extent I'll succeed,but then Damn it!!!! I cannot proceed further.
Its a tough job being such a complex person. I wish I never had to think so much. Extremes are always way better. U either be a dolt or an intelligent being so that what people know about you is true and consistent. But to just hang there in the middle is sick and pathetic. You fuckin know what people really know yet you know you aren't that person at all.And problem is, for us, what other people think comes first,and then what we think. Its crap,utter crap, nonsense,all of it. Damn it!! :(

Miss You- Candlebox...

All, all it's not alright
Your role it played through time
Come and rescue me
you're needed here at home

And your space, a moment in time
A hand to hold a hand I tried
Who was it called to you?
Who called?
Your story's alive with hellos and goodbyes
Bright lights, first kiss and drunken nights
How I miss you

I miss you now and hey
And I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
I miss you now and hey

And the rain
Falling cold outside
Covered me the day you died
You could have waited one more day
I should've called
I dream of your life, the war and the fight
The music you played, the love for your wife
And I miss you

I miss you now and
Hey, I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
And I miss you
I miss you now and hey

And I am mad at the age
That stole you away
By surviving the beach
You gave me my stay
And I understand by this that I am
All that you were was changed by the sand
but I miss you

I miss you now and
Hey, I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
to the songs of your soul
How I miss you
How I miss you

I don't know...

There's something important I realised today suddenly walking with a friend. Sorry is a very futile word. It's just one word for "Shit!!! Couldn't help it". I mean, why say it? When the deed is done and cannot be undone anymore. It's just a formality that we say it. There's nothing to it...


It's embarrassing sometimes to go out with parents at this age. I dunno why it happens. Mum doesn't go out much because of her brand new knee cap. But with dad, especially at some store. whew!!! I slink away everytime he starts talking. At any store, at least 3 to 4 attendants will definitely come to know about 1 or 2 of his life experiences. And most of the conversations start with, "Dekho,amar boyesh to onek beshi jibon tao ami onek dekhechi" or "You have to agree that I am older to you, and more experienced" and then 1 or 2 stories would follow- "I used to live in Hong Kong and there this happened," etc etc...... And the attendants will but nod and say "yes sir yes sir". Its exasperating sometimes. I mean, c'mon leave the poor man alone. Everywhere he goes, he'll try and teach everyone, give them life lessons. Yes,definitely he knows much but excess use of it is exasperating. I think I have got that thing from him...which is again kind of exasperating when I think of it....


I don't know how to live my life. This thought somehow or the other creeps invariably into my mind sometimes. I mean, do I live it for myself? Do I live it for others? Do I go for it so that I have fun all my life because its a short time? Do I live it so that I can do good to the less fortunate and the poor? I wish I could arrive at some decision right now. But like everything else (as in my career, my objective in life) this aspect also seems hazy.... But why I don't know.

Mine....

Some people you can never let go.
Somehow they will always be there.
And you will want them there.
And you will want yourself around them.
Always.
To all those people I can proudly call Mine-you're the reason for the sudden smile in troubled times, yours is the hand to look for in the dark, you're the one to high five in the awesomest times.

To all that we have and will.



**random scribbles, reminiscent mood**

The Mighty Sting!!!

And I'll sting 'em all, n by all i MEAN ALL. Where were we? Oh yes....
I will sting them all- go WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

And then chotto kore TUCHUK!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! The pain, they will feel it, ALL of them....Nothing, No one can stop me!!! NOONE!!! **echoes** NOONe NOOne NOone Noone noone!!! **echoes** A-HAHA-A-HAHAHAHA-A-HAHA-A-HAHAHAHA!! *mandark laugh*( dexter's rival remember???)