This one's a doodle dawdle scribbling random post. Crap. Period.
Sometimes I do feel like crap. When people race ahead and I get left behind. Its frustrating. Here I am trying my hand at whatever I feel I am good at to give back something to the parents' expectations and each bloody time I end up with nothing. Always. Al-bloody-ways. Turns down me morale. I feel
1>useless
2>hopeless
3>pointless
4>worthless.
Utter crap.Always. Had the western vocals finals today at the IEM fest. I came 4th. 1.5 marks less than 3rd place.
With me its always these decimal or nominal numbers. Always. 1.5???
1> 1.5 marks less than 3rd position=4th at IEM fest.~~~ Discouraged.
2>1 mark less than the top score=Mr. Fresher title at college lost.~~~WTF??!!?!?!?!?
3>2 marks less than 3rd place=4th position at some random competition.~~~Dhurr!!!
4>Statesman Scrabble-I have been playing every year it took place from class 7 I guess- reaching semi finals,quarter finals, finals,then lost.~~~Crap,it goes on and on. Always.
5>National Scrabble Championship,Hyderabad-11th, just 1 more than the top 10 people.~~~ Not done,not fair at all!!!
6>8.8-ICSE marks=0.2 less than 9.~~~huh???
7>7.81-Semester marks=0.19 less than an 8 point.~~~ whY wHY WHY??
8>8.31-Semester Marks=0.19 less than an 8.5 point.~~~ WHY WHy Why??
9>ummmmmmmm......Can't remember anything else. But there has to be. This list isn't anywhere as short as far as I remember. Just wish I could remember what else was there in the list.
Anyways,fact is,its always those nominal or the decimal digits. Always. I'll come close to achieving something and then something or the other has to happen. Has to. Always. Its frustrating now. I keep on thinking about it. I bunked a whole week of college and practiced n practiced. Recorded songs, sent out for opinions. Yes, I get selected for the finals. And what happens there? Nothing... Fate has and always will run out on me. Playing dirty all the time. All my life. I'll get close to something I am yearning for. Almost tangible it is when She will just Snatch it away. Yes, its the perfect word for it-SNATCH!!!! ALWAYS......
2/28/10
The Martyr
You cursed my eyes open
When all I could see was black with glittering buttons of light when the light crossed.
And all I saw was white all around-a world different from what I had known and seen.
You're scarred and broken against the might and greed forced on
you.
And you plead to die, if not, get over the pain quickly.
And what was & never will be is in the disguise of the sheep that still bleats on the mountain side crying against the biting winds that storm from the north.
And you shall never be born again,
But we will carry on, murderers who killed you and me.
And you'll still beckon, you'll yet plead
And we'll lend our ears, but never will we ever meet.
Let my eyes shut and let me hallucinate of streaks of light in a place where silver women talk to trees,
Where lust and greed rarely meet,where you barely choke from the smoke and filth.
Yes we will meet there, in a world lost long before in dreams and songs,
And the sheep shall bleat on the mountainside while I'll look down,
Circling against the white rocks in the untouched blue, flying against the west wind that plays puppeteer to the trees.
And you shall be born again...
When all I could see was black with glittering buttons of light when the light crossed.
And all I saw was white all around-a world different from what I had known and seen.
You're scarred and broken against the might and greed forced on
you.And you plead to die, if not, get over the pain quickly.
And what was & never will be is in the disguise of the sheep that still bleats on the mountain side crying against the biting winds that storm from the north.
And you shall never be born again,
But we will carry on, murderers who killed you and me.
And you'll still beckon, you'll yet plead
And we'll lend our ears, but never will we ever meet.
Let my eyes shut and let me hallucinate of streaks of light in a place where silver women talk to trees,
Where lust and greed rarely meet,where you barely choke from the smoke and filth.
Yes we will meet there, in a world lost long before in dreams and songs,
And the sheep shall bleat on the mountainside while I'll look down,
Circling against the white rocks in the untouched blue, flying against the west wind that plays puppeteer to the trees.
And you shall be born again...
2/8/10
I don't I don't I don't....
I don't like a lot of stuff.
1. I don't like men wearing lungis.
2. I don't like mushy women.
3. I don't like saas bahu soaps.
4. I don't like having to do much work.
5. I don't like writing with blue pens.
6. I don't like my stuff thrown higgledy piggledy.
7. I don't like people talking for the sake of it.
8. I don't like the fact that i don't have a camera on me all the time.
9. I don't like those stupid bengali songs that people continue to sing on ctvn akd n such channels etc.
10. I don't like to wake up early in the morning.
11. I don't like going to college.
12. I don't like my cellphone,it can't play songs.
13. I don't like rakhi sawant.
14. I don't like the dog in my locality which keeps barking its head off in the middle of the night.
15. I don't like talking to people when i am sleepy.
16. I don't like veg food.
17. I don't like new bedsheets or new clothes that prickle.
18. I don't like the fact that my parents don't understand the fact that i have 2 lives n have to live both without trying to compromise on the other as much as possible.
19. I don't like very high society people and their stupid touchy ways.
20. I don't like being told off all the time.
21. I don't like mosquitoes irritating me.
22. I don't like when i am hungry and there's no food.
23. I don't like it when i wanna write but cannot.
24. I don't like it wen someone tempts me with chocolate and I can't have it then.
25. I don't like the fact that I cannot play guitar better than what I can.
26. I don't like tacky bollywood movies or songs like de dana dan n baamulaiza, yeeesh!!
27. I don't like garia,jadavpur and behala-it seems to be teeming with all the people of the city,n the rickshaws n vehicles,i won't even start on that.
28. I don't like splitsvilla.
29. I don't like the fact that I don't have a dog.
30. I don't like the tram system in Kolkata.
That's it for now I guess... :P
1. I don't like men wearing lungis.
2. I don't like mushy women.
3. I don't like saas bahu soaps.
4. I don't like having to do much work.
5. I don't like writing with blue pens.
6. I don't like my stuff thrown higgledy piggledy.
7. I don't like people talking for the sake of it.
8. I don't like the fact that i don't have a camera on me all the time.
9. I don't like those stupid bengali songs that people continue to sing on ctvn akd n such channels etc.
10. I don't like to wake up early in the morning.
11. I don't like going to college.
12. I don't like my cellphone,it can't play songs.
13. I don't like rakhi sawant.
14. I don't like the dog in my locality which keeps barking its head off in the middle of the night.
15. I don't like talking to people when i am sleepy.
16. I don't like veg food.
17. I don't like new bedsheets or new clothes that prickle.
18. I don't like the fact that my parents don't understand the fact that i have 2 lives n have to live both without trying to compromise on the other as much as possible.
19. I don't like very high society people and their stupid touchy ways.
20. I don't like being told off all the time.
21. I don't like mosquitoes irritating me.
22. I don't like when i am hungry and there's no food.
23. I don't like it when i wanna write but cannot.
24. I don't like it wen someone tempts me with chocolate and I can't have it then.
25. I don't like the fact that I cannot play guitar better than what I can.
26. I don't like tacky bollywood movies or songs like de dana dan n baamulaiza, yeeesh!!
27. I don't like garia,jadavpur and behala-it seems to be teeming with all the people of the city,n the rickshaws n vehicles,i won't even start on that.
28. I don't like splitsvilla.
29. I don't like the fact that I don't have a dog.
30. I don't like the tram system in Kolkata.
That's it for now I guess... :P
1/14/10
Run...
I ran.
On and on,for days and days.
Hopelessly craving for that sliver of light to seep in somehow.
I ran from that dark shadow to wherever I saw light,
But the light never stayed at that same place.
After years,I felt naked and tired,
A bit of rest was all I yearned.
So be it,said He from above.
They couldn't do anything,my race was run.
On and on,for days and days.
Hopelessly craving for that sliver of light to seep in somehow.
I ran from that dark shadow to wherever I saw light,
But the light never stayed at that same place.
After years,I felt naked and tired,
A bit of rest was all I yearned.
So be it,said He from above.
They couldn't do anything,my race was run.
1/3/10
Free falling....
Well,he did jump suddenly then. Without warning.Into the black and white swirling hypnotizing circles. And he fell.Fell down and down and down into the rush of black and white. People and things rushed past.Wait....weren't they all from the years past?He fell until suddenly his feet touched ground. And realization then dawned. It was just another start.
12/29/09
Smile Forever...
She died today. I don't know when. I looked at her for the last time. Yes, she was at peace.It was the same look she had when she used to have that black currant ice cream she loved.
My mind wandered. Memories came flooding back. Tears trickled down,unstoppable. Everyday now would seem a bit more lonesome than ever before. She would be with me,definitely. But the touch would be cold always. A thin veil separating us. Who would come to rescue me from the clutches of my parents? Whom would I now turn to for company when I feel like having that dark chocolate ice cream? Who would I now as
k for a drink and dance anytime?Who would I now talk to about how my day was at the end of it over the phone?
I had found a reason for myself. A reason I believed and trusted in with all my heart and soul. Its a funny thing,this heart. It finds a reason to cry in happiness and to smile in sadness always,somehow. I can never share a laugh with her,or hear her sing,as she used to when she flitted about here and there. We went through a lot.Good times and bad ones,hurt and smiles. I am ever so sorry for the hurt I caused her. But today,all is forgiven yet never to be forgotten. Every little strand and bit To be kept closer than ever to my heart. For you I was and will always be....
My mind wandered. Memories came flooding back. Tears trickled down,unstoppable. Everyday now would seem a bit more lonesome than ever before. She would be with me,definitely. But the touch would be cold always. A thin veil separating us. Who would come to rescue me from the clutches of my parents? Whom would I now turn to for company when I feel like having that dark chocolate ice cream? Who would I now as
k for a drink and dance anytime?Who would I now talk to about how my day was at the end of it over the phone?I had found a reason for myself. A reason I believed and trusted in with all my heart and soul. Its a funny thing,this heart. It finds a reason to cry in happiness and to smile in sadness always,somehow. I can never share a laugh with her,or hear her sing,as she used to when she flitted about here and there. We went through a lot.Good times and bad ones,hurt and smiles. I am ever so sorry for the hurt I caused her. But today,all is forgiven yet never to be forgotten. Every little strand and bit To be kept closer than ever to my heart. For you I was and will always be....
12/5/09
BraZen.
Lost in the twirling strands,
A struggle of an eternity to keep myself away from you.
A delirious urge to touch you once again.
Hallucinates.
Circles of neon lights,an unsatisfied desire.
In the blackest of rooms.
The door creaks open,
You rush in and everything falls apart.
Blinding hazy,
A blazing heat.
Fuck the world for all its worth.
Inane.Brazen.
Almost dangerous.
Desires and instincts uncontrolled.
Never felt the winter have we?
But now I feel the cold.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
-
Overboard and yet unfettered, Was there reason to drown? Floating on the surface and yet an urge to drown Was there any reason to swim?... -
I have absolutely no idea why i wrote this...I just wanted to write something as a song for the past two days,but couldn't at all...I wr...
-
I have been blogging for around two years now. Initially when i started out,I didn't write much. I have phases and a lot of mood swings....