After leaving home for work in 2012, going to Pune, India and then the USA, all my holidays have been time bound. It's always been a rush to meet people, go places, eat food, travel etc. Always time bound, always in a hurry. Before I knew it, the holidays would be over and I would have to go back to work.
Before all this, the way I passed time at home was writing poems, music, composing, recording, blogging and mostly on the internet doing all sorts of things, shut away in my room, shut away in my own world. It is April 2020 today and we are all in a lockdown due to the COVID-19 virus pandemic. I am stranded in India after my LASIK surgery. I have been asked to not work for DB till an exception has been created for working from India. So I have time in my hands to do anything and everything else.
For a long time, I had been wanting to have a peaceful vacation at home without all the rush of meeting people and going out everyday. Getting stranded at home due to lockdown brought that with it. Days have been melting into each other and I have fallen into a kind of the same pattern as before. Doing chores at home, writing, playing music, recording etc.
What is scary about it is that there does not seem to have been any change in me from 2012.
It has been 8 years, I have worked in another state, another country and lived life to the full but here I am back to square one. Back to where everything started. Maybe it is a sign, the circle indicating a fresh start. But it is scary to see no difference between who I was 8 years ago and today. Almost a decade of no change. I've been so many places, done so many things yet I feel I never left this space as of today. It is eerily disconcerting. Being a nice, fun person is okay and everything but I went on and on with that and forgot to change. Most of my friends are married, have their own families and have changed professionally so much. I never quite progressed professionally. Somehow I always thought if I kept up my writing, singing music it would all come together one day and amount to something. It hasn't yet. Neither has my IT career wherein I still remain in a junior kind of position. I always concentrated on IT as a way to pay my bills so I could keep my hobby up. I also took up boxing, gym etc and went on a body building/toning regimen and got results there. But I'm back to no activity again. I am scared of myself today.
In the course of these 8 years, sure I have traveled a lot, made so much music, made amazing friends, started Latin Dancing, published 2 poetry books, released an album, completed certifications, got myself enrolled in an MBA program aimed to finish next year, bought my very first car, my first electric guitar. All these things done, yet a horrible empty feeling inside. Almost nauseating.
I have learnt a lot, seen so much and in my MBA still am learning yet I feel hollow and unfulfilled.
At this point, I still do not know what my future looks like. All I wanted was to have a good time in life, making music, hanging out with friends but nothing can happen without money. Money is scarce. Money is everything. Without money, there would be no cars, guitars, music, holidays, dates nothing. And as I grow older, the necessity for a higher amount of money is becoming more essential. I had my good time in life. I don't think it is going to continue anymore. It's such a state of directionless-ness that it is inexplicable.
Still, it is square one again. Maybe it's time to restart. Maybe it's time to wait and watch. Who knows?
But I have done so many things, tried my hands at so many things to earn money, to get popular for my hobbies and nothing has ever materialized. Maybe it is time to understand that I need to grow up and the fun part has to end. Maybe it is time to give up one of the boats because with my feet in two boats, clearly none have perceptibly moved. It's time to wrap up the show I guess. In any case, I have been accused of wallowing in sadness and writing only sad things n singing sad songs. Who wants that in this world eh?
Before all this, the way I passed time at home was writing poems, music, composing, recording, blogging and mostly on the internet doing all sorts of things, shut away in my room, shut away in my own world. It is April 2020 today and we are all in a lockdown due to the COVID-19 virus pandemic. I am stranded in India after my LASIK surgery. I have been asked to not work for DB till an exception has been created for working from India. So I have time in my hands to do anything and everything else.
For a long time, I had been wanting to have a peaceful vacation at home without all the rush of meeting people and going out everyday. Getting stranded at home due to lockdown brought that with it. Days have been melting into each other and I have fallen into a kind of the same pattern as before. Doing chores at home, writing, playing music, recording etc.
What is scary about it is that there does not seem to have been any change in me from 2012.
It has been 8 years, I have worked in another state, another country and lived life to the full but here I am back to square one. Back to where everything started. Maybe it is a sign, the circle indicating a fresh start. But it is scary to see no difference between who I was 8 years ago and today. Almost a decade of no change. I've been so many places, done so many things yet I feel I never left this space as of today. It is eerily disconcerting. Being a nice, fun person is okay and everything but I went on and on with that and forgot to change. Most of my friends are married, have their own families and have changed professionally so much. I never quite progressed professionally. Somehow I always thought if I kept up my writing, singing music it would all come together one day and amount to something. It hasn't yet. Neither has my IT career wherein I still remain in a junior kind of position. I always concentrated on IT as a way to pay my bills so I could keep my hobby up. I also took up boxing, gym etc and went on a body building/toning regimen and got results there. But I'm back to no activity again. I am scared of myself today.
In the course of these 8 years, sure I have traveled a lot, made so much music, made amazing friends, started Latin Dancing, published 2 poetry books, released an album, completed certifications, got myself enrolled in an MBA program aimed to finish next year, bought my very first car, my first electric guitar. All these things done, yet a horrible empty feeling inside. Almost nauseating.
I have learnt a lot, seen so much and in my MBA still am learning yet I feel hollow and unfulfilled.
At this point, I still do not know what my future looks like. All I wanted was to have a good time in life, making music, hanging out with friends but nothing can happen without money. Money is scarce. Money is everything. Without money, there would be no cars, guitars, music, holidays, dates nothing. And as I grow older, the necessity for a higher amount of money is becoming more essential. I had my good time in life. I don't think it is going to continue anymore. It's such a state of directionless-ness that it is inexplicable.
Still, it is square one again. Maybe it's time to restart. Maybe it's time to wait and watch. Who knows?
But I have done so many things, tried my hands at so many things to earn money, to get popular for my hobbies and nothing has ever materialized. Maybe it is time to understand that I need to grow up and the fun part has to end. Maybe it is time to give up one of the boats because with my feet in two boats, clearly none have perceptibly moved. It's time to wrap up the show I guess. In any case, I have been accused of wallowing in sadness and writing only sad things n singing sad songs. Who wants that in this world eh?
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