Halfway through 2019 and life has changed so much in the smaller pictures. In the bigger picture, it is still the same; I found some writing from 7-8 years ago where I have complained about being lost in life and being unhappy at my job. Fast forward all these years, I have moved cities, countries, continents and nothing seems to have changed in that scenario. All I seem to have done is made myself happy in the present. The future, as it were, remains untouched and un-thought of.
So what went wrong?
Did I get so carried away about living the moment and being in the present that I totally forgot what to make of the future? I didn't think I was that dumb. But now there is evidence. I lived the moment with people who are not even in my lives right now, who are settled and well off and happy. Pennies for dollars- that's what I traded. Sure enough, I got to travel shitloads, I moved to USA, I got to watch all my favorite artists live on stage, I released an album and two books of poetry and was asked to celebrate all the small victories but at the end, I realized I am still where I was 7-8 years ago when I wrote that piece. I talked about myself being someone who was good at nothing and dipping my fingers into everything but never really polishing or honing any talent whatsoever. I admit it still holds true. Of course, I have some experience of the adult world now but I am still trying to fit in somewhere and still have no idea, where that somewhere is.
I don't know if things have changed for the better or worse - I do live better but I live alone, I do get to earn more money which helps me get a lot of experiences in life but I don't have family or friends to spend it with, I do get 24 hours to myself to do whatever I want but I get those by myself without anyone to share it with, I do still have to work at a job I don't have a knack for in an industry I am burnt out in but I can't immediately make a switch because I have no experience or anything to fall back upon mostly because I wasted my years living in the moments and ignoring what my future would look like.
This is a big revelation, whoa - some post form 2011 echoing with the same emotions in 2019, I don't think I know quite what to make of it.
So what went wrong?
Did I get so carried away about living the moment and being in the present that I totally forgot what to make of the future? I didn't think I was that dumb. But now there is evidence. I lived the moment with people who are not even in my lives right now, who are settled and well off and happy. Pennies for dollars- that's what I traded. Sure enough, I got to travel shitloads, I moved to USA, I got to watch all my favorite artists live on stage, I released an album and two books of poetry and was asked to celebrate all the small victories but at the end, I realized I am still where I was 7-8 years ago when I wrote that piece. I talked about myself being someone who was good at nothing and dipping my fingers into everything but never really polishing or honing any talent whatsoever. I admit it still holds true. Of course, I have some experience of the adult world now but I am still trying to fit in somewhere and still have no idea, where that somewhere is.
I don't know if things have changed for the better or worse - I do live better but I live alone, I do get to earn more money which helps me get a lot of experiences in life but I don't have family or friends to spend it with, I do get 24 hours to myself to do whatever I want but I get those by myself without anyone to share it with, I do still have to work at a job I don't have a knack for in an industry I am burnt out in but I can't immediately make a switch because I have no experience or anything to fall back upon mostly because I wasted my years living in the moments and ignoring what my future would look like.
This is a big revelation, whoa - some post form 2011 echoing with the same emotions in 2019, I don't think I know quite what to make of it.
