Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Stuck is what you are when you are scared of heights but keep looking down from the overbridge.

So I was standing there. Looking down at the cars whizzing past below and enjoying the pleasant dancing wind in the middle of the sultry evening. With a cigarette in my hand. This overbridge is five minutes from my house where I come over to stare at the lights and the cars and the people rushing about in pandemonium. Gives me a feeling of "elevated-ness", supreme to all those below me in a mad rush. Sure, there are others spending time like I am on the same bridge. But who cares? My imaginarium after all. 

So anyway, I am scared of heights and this is one of them which should not be entertained one bit by people such as me. First of all there is the damn elevation, add the thundering cars and buses below it that shake the bridge every now and then.Makes for a Frightful thought. But somehow I feel like standing there, exactly at that place where I am supposed to feel scared. I guess all of us go through stuff like this everyday, doing things that we are scared of, sometimes out of stubbornness, sometimes out of  no choice, sometimes out of boredom, sometimes out of anger, but rarely because we want to. I go through a combination of stubbornness and want regarding the overbridge situation. 

I like the place, I like looking at the lights surrounding me, I like thinking about my life standing there and smoking away, I like the chaos beneath me, I like the fact that I am separated from it, I like the fact that I am part of all that chaos, I like the fact that I can escape from it by climbing a few steps, but I hate the fact that I have to keep going back to it. Like us, like everything else, like 1230AM,1st May, the little bit of  freedom is temporary.
I am stuck. badly. All my life, I have wanted a life that would be my own, where I would be king of me. I wanted to move out, see the world, know new people, learn different cultures. I don't know if my time has come yet, but I sure feel it has and that it's slipping by. Once I start my corporate career, a bit of financial independence would make life a little more easier than what it is now(hopefully). But it never seems to start. The joining date gets delayed and delayed. Plus, my share of luck hasn't been working hard at getting through other jobs even. It's  become a dreary, sludgy process, dragging it out day by day with nothingness attached and more of it to look forward to the next day. And the heat seems to bum it all the more. Calcutta is soon going to be very uninhabitable.
I don't know why I keep going to the overbridge. I think it gives me a little more hope so that I can pull through and face another day of uneasiness, fright and joblessness. And anytime it gets a little too claustrophobic, I know I can always find my freedom by those railings.


I am sitting at the International Arrivals section of Dulles airport right now and watching people. Reunions are always special.Different ...