Well,life ain't easy for sure. Sometimes your mind, your heart goes off freewheeling crazy. You go haywire. All directions change. Every responsibility you had thought u had goes cartwheeling like them firecrackers. Situations, society, money, people all around are a potent mix that is to say life is potent. Because everything you yearn for,want,need is in life itself. We have to learn to balance life, time, money, people, moods, phases, situations, responsibilities. Everything. And once you have a taste of the life which you actually do not have but by stretching your means you could have, that is dangerous.
Its like most of the Indian satellite rockets.....you go up up up and then you never realize when the glitch occurs, and you fall, coming to terms with the fact that there was a snag all along which you failed to see. Just like it happens with the rockets. " It's funny how falling feels like flying for a little while"-I guess that's because you never realize what's actually happening. "You never see it coming till its gone,it all happens for a reason when its wrong, specially when it's wrong"
People do not care anymore. Life isn't what any of us had known. Responsibilities are always askew. And you know you are serious and thinking about all of it knowing deep inside that you will be tempted again to be who you are not. And that is not one issue which is not common in these times. Everyone is in the rat race. I agree with what my friend Nilayan says- "Sometimes i feel so shitty that I hav become a grown up...I guess it just means u learn to do things that are convenient...not things that u really wanna do."
Never have I felt this way before, never before have I been so out of control, so out of tune with myself. I changed, even when I did not want to I guess. Things just happened. Just too fast to take note of it all. Too fast to catch up with the person I was losing. Yes I want to have fun in life along with my studies, along with everything else. But lately, things have spun way out of control. The responsibilities, studies have gone for a toss. And I have been doing what not. I have been boozing yes, I have been with my friends all day, I have been going for dinners and swimming and hanging out with friends all the time. All the time. Otherwise I am sleeping or watching movies or just being online. I do not like anyone telling me about my life. I want to make something out of myself by myself. So each time anyone comes in to do that, I get majorly pissed. Be it at home,outside home, wherever. But thing is I do not yet know where I am headed. Because I am absolutely fed up with engineering. I started coaching for CAT, and I have realized that 3 years In the hellhole called Durgapur among shitty people without use of brains ,intelligence or wit has made me pretty dumb. Pretty. I mean,for 3 years if you are not using your brain(not that it was a sooperb one before), its bound to lose stuff to the atmosphere. And now it sucks. Pretty much. I hate the feeling, loathe myself. For being such a loser. For being such a dumbass, for doing nothing out of life as of yet. I have never done anything exceptionally good in my life. Everywhere it has been that I started something and then just let it go. Yes, believing in the fact that I can do it all and its always going to be just about me, I have failed miserably in life as of yet. Miserably. The list can go on, guitar for one, singing, writing studies, party life. etc etc. I had a reading habit. Lost. I believed I could write. Sucks. I thought yeah, maybe I can sing. Shit!!! Everything turned out to be bullcrap. There isn't one thing I can do properly. Everyone is far better in anything I do. I need to hone what I have,because its too late to start off with anything anew. But for that I need time,which I do not have. I feel so lost. Nothing seems right at this moment. All the capacitors and resistances in the engineering books make my head ache. And looking at the CAT books make me feel like shit. Its the same feeling I have when I sit with the guitar. Damn it, I never seem to know where to place my finger to get that note. To a certain extent I'll succeed,but then Damn it!!!! I cannot proceed further.
Its a tough job being such a complex person. I wish I never had to think so much. Extremes are always way better. U either be a dolt or an intelligent being so that what people know about you is true and consistent. But to just hang there in the middle is sick and pathetic. You fuckin know what people really know yet you know you aren't that person at all.And problem is, for us, what other people think comes first,and then what we think. Its crap,utter crap, nonsense,all of it. Damn it!! :(